...I'm Just Sayin...

Ummmmm.....I'm confused...

2010-03-25T21:40:00.002-04:00

Hey folks...

Sorry I haven't been around much lately. Life can get really rough sometimes, ya know?...

Anyway...

For anyone interested, my love life is in full throttle....and I'm on the best emotional and physical controversial ride of my life.

Yes I said controversial

Anyway, in other terms... work sucks worse than it EVER has...and I'm talking EVER in the last 25 years. FUCKING SUCKS!!! Imagine your worst nightmare.... now you get PART of an idea..... yep, it's THAT bad...

Secondly..

Those of you who know me...know I am a very proud and loving grandmother. Well...

Recently, my son and his girl of -- 12 years?? -- have finally had the final falling out.

This sucks on SOOOOOOOOO .... SOOOOOOOOOOOO F*****G many levels!! First, I no longer have transportation. Yep...gotta let my son use my van so he can get to work. Also....I have no idea when I can see my babies again....

Second: he has NO place to stay. NADA.. nothing.... I live in a studio with my man.... and there is NO room whatsoever for anyone else. Sooooooooo... after spending a couple of nights with one of his party buddies....he relented to stay to sleep at my old place (which I have a couple months left to fulfill my lease there)... a-hem...and where my ex lives.... (don't ask)... yep... there it is. He's supposed to apply for his own studio... but somehow.... no one can do his job at work but him. Hmmmmmmmm...... Better suck it up man....

My life in a nutshell. Yep -- it sucks eggs..... not just hard boiled eggs.... RAW fricking eggs....

YEP

I KNOW!!!!!

FML!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who Fab? You Fab!!

2009-10-05T21:59:00.004-04:00

Hey Ya'll!!

I really do miss ya...and it's something else catching up with everyone. Sometimes life just gets in the way, and the ole blog suffers. I just haven't been around the computer lately, but I'm hoping that will change soon.

Anyway......

I was given a homework assignment.... by no other than my bloggy friend, Phillipia, over at Writes Phillipia.

Yep.....I'm 45 years old, and I still get homework. That's okay...I'm just about ready to pass it along. So, no snickering from you! hehe

See, here's the thing. She has passed on the fabulous blog award to me!! woo hoo!! Despite the fact that I haven't been able to post much lately... but you know, there's always a catch. There's always work to be done. Yep, you guessed it..... you always gotta work for it. Soooooooo, here goes.......

In order to receive this Fabulous Blogger Award (see above), I must first disclose five of my obsessions..... and then pass it on to five of my fav bloggers. (sigh) Well.... here goes:

1: My grandbabies. Yes, I AM old enough to have three grandkids... 8, 5, and 3. They are the loves of my life. All you young mothers and fathers out there, just hang in there. Much as you love your kids, grandkids are so much more fun!! Believe it or not.

2: I don't know if this is an obsession, but when I'm stuck in it, it really feels like it. I absolutely HATE sitting in traffic. I mean.... H-A-T-E it. I would NEVER survive in a bigger city.... Nope, I'd have a traffic stroke.

3: Probably the only thing I HATE worse than sitting is traffic.....is MORNINGS! I have said it before and I'll say it 'til the day I die... I absolutely HATE getting up in the morning. I think I was meant to be a night worker, but I guess I missed my calling.

4: Wow, I never expected to disclose my one and only OCD tendency on my blog.....but here goes. I think almost everyone has SOMETHING they don't even realize they obsess about. It's just one of those stupid little things that runs through your mind with dirty boots making you wonder if you really are nuts. Mine would be: When I am walking down a sidewalk, (which I do every day to and from work)... for whatever reason, I tend to notice the sidewalk lines. Not that "step on a crack, break your mother's back" ever meant anything to me, but for some reason my idiot mind notices if one foot steps on three or four...... because now it's ON..... NOW, the other foot has to step on a couple or so to catch up. Okay....I'm really not crazy.... really!! lol Although there must be days when people wonder WTF is up with that woman over there...... brings to mind a dog chasing his tail, doesn't it?

5: Last but not least..... parking spots. Unlike Phillipia and Cat Lady Larew, pull-through spots don't mean much to me. However... Yes, I am admitting it now... that I am one of those IDIOTS who drive round and round to find a good parking spot. Honestly, walking through the grocery store parking lot with a cart full of stuff these days is like walking through a demolition derby with a "bet ya can't hit me" sign on your back.... Yeah, it really is that bad...

WHEW!!!! Damn, this homework bulloney is ..... exhausting!!

Well, I will accept my esteemed award now.....

And at the same time, pass it on to a few of my other fav blogs!!!

If you don't want it, then just pass it by..... and if you do, ENJOY!!! I love all of my followers and blogger buddies. Thanks for coming by.

So, here goes!! Five great blogs that you should hop over and see what's good for a chuckle or a laugh:

1: ThinkinFyou: This lady is FUNNY. Check her out.

2: Check out my friend over at Sanity On Edge... She will tickle your funny bone.

3: Tricia....and Tigger.... over at Too Cute to Live... There are way too many cutiepies over there.... and SOMEONE has to stop Tigger from world domination!!

4: I was GOING to honor Skye with this award, but it seems he already has it..... So, Skye, know you were thought of... Instead: Just Amy! Tag, you're it!

5: Finally, Canadian Blend...hop on over and take a peek at the life and times of the American guy and the Canadian gal.

Now that I've bestowed these deserving bloggers with this esteemed award, I gotta get back to work!!

Onward and... um... just Onward!!!

Squishy Feet Squishy Feet

2009-08-28T14:13:00.007-04:00

I'll be keeping it a bit short today since I'm still having computer trouble...but don't worry, it's NOT contagious, just a little coughing and sneezing in my hard drive...

Anyway, it's FEET day over at Humor Bloggers Dot Com. You can find all kinds of funny posts today over there all about feet!

It's been a rainy week over here in hometown, USA. I knew we were expecting rain Wednesday and Thursday, so since there is a bit of a walk from where the cars are parked and where you enter the building where I work, I wore the appropriate shoes for the occasion. However, today I did not KNOW we were once again expecting the rain. Just shoot me now... I wore those kind of summer shoes that you wear without socks, and they are chock-full of holes... kinda like these:

The last time I got caught in the rain with these shoes on, they got so wet that it became a health hazard. Several times I literally just about fell off my shoes. They were so wet and squishy, it was like a skating rink inside my shoes... and here we go again!

I'm thinking, though, that instead of trying to explain how I got the broken hip by falling off of the inside skating rink of my shoes... (yeah, they'd believe that one), that I'm going to just take the shoes off. Yep... walk downtown in bare feet -- YIKES! So, now I've got a totally different health hazard to worry about...

Street cruddy feet...yuckity yuck!! Guess I'll have to spend the evening or tomorrow getting my feet did... ya know how ya go to those places and they have you put your feet in these little ponds and the little fishies take all the icky stuff off...

After that, I think I'll invest in one of those Ped Eggs. You've heard about those, haven't you? A friend of mine works with a woman who loves her Ped Egg so much, she -- get this -- uses it at her desk!!!! YOW... I'd like to think they've put a stop to THAT hygiene fail... I won't be trying to use it at work, but it might be good to get a little home-spa-thing going...

Happy Feet Day!!

FYI: Where am I?

2009-08-21T18:48:00.002-04:00

Sorry y'all... computer trouble... workin on it... Hoping to be back SOON! I WILL be back...

Wake Up!! Not Today...

2009-08-18T13:20:00.003-04:00

I don't know about you, but some days I have a really hard time waking the f*** up!!

Namely, Mondays for starters. I mean, REALLY! It's just inhumane to expect people (especially night owls like me) to jump right outta bed on a Monday morning. Mondays should be the day to eeeeeaase into the morning. Maybe knock the first hour off from the start of the work day.... then maybe provide a little breakfast buffet with caffeine as an incentive.

THEN there's Tuesday!! Now there's another day I'm not motivated to wake up to. It's just another Monday hiding behind a different name.

Usually by Wednesday, it begins to get a little easier -- but just a little.

Thursdays aren't too bad.... but Fridays are no problem at all. In fact, it's FINALLY the beginning of the weekend... which is the purpose for my existance on this earth.

Anyway, all that to say that I regularly have trouble staying awake at work, especially on the most difficult mornings. My work place offers no incentives whatsoever for being there ... on time... on these horrible days....

Well, except for the paycheck... but that's another story...

Since I fall asleep at my desk every now and again, I am sharing my top five excuses for what to say when you're caught sleeping at your desk. So far, they've worked for me (whew!)

5) They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen...
4) This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to...
3) Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out...you probably got here just in time!
2) Did you ever notice the sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?

And the number one best thing to say when getting caught napping is:
1) ...in Jesus' name, Amen...

You're welcome... ;)

I Won! - TAG - You Might Be Next

2009-08-14T14:48:00.002-04:00

That's right...

I actually won something!! woo hoo

Thanks to my BFF blogger buddy Phillipia over at Writes Phillipia!

What did I win, you ask?

Okay... ready or not

............ta daaaa.............

"Premiere Meme Award!

Yep...I know you're jealous. I get to decorate my blog with this award if I first fulfill the responsibility passed on to me... (work, work, work...it never ends) which is:

I have to tell 7 little or unknown innermost secrets about myself first... (wow, do I have any?)

then

Pass the torch on to 7 fellow bloggers who I like to read...

Soooooooo without further adieu, heeeeere's me:

A fellow blogger over at ThinkinFyou asked about nicknames. My most used nickname is Deuce, given to me by my (now) ex-husband (we're still good friends, so it's okay to mention him)... Anyway, the name Deuce has suffered many morphs, such as Dooz, Doozdy, Doo-ez, etc. But the origin is not known by many.... until now...

When we first began dating way back in the dark ages, a co-worker of his kept pumping him for information about me. Being a big guy himself, he didn't think what I looked like was any of this guy's business...but he kept asking him, "Does she weigh the deuce? Does she, does she?" Finally, he admitted, "Yeeaaahh, she weighs the deuce." It stuck. And that, my friends, is how I became known as Deuce.
I was extremely shy and introverted in grade school, but I've pretty much outgrown that these days...mostly replaced by sass and sarchasm.
I am a night owl. I come from a long line of night owls... okay maybe not a long line, but my mom was definitely one for sure... and so am I. It isn't that I want to be one, 'cause I gotta tell ya... every morning is a unique adventure into self motivational mental wake-the f***-up gymnastics.
I love spicy hot foods. Not burn-your-mouth-'til-it-melts-off-your-face hot... but just right hot. One of my favs is hot, spicy chili mac...made the old "Chili Parlor" way, with spaghetti noodles, beans, onions, cheese, and just the right recipe of hot chili sauce. Mmmmmm!
My first job was at a Kewpee's fast food restaurant. I was an assistant manager there after a few months, and kept working there as a second job (until it closed) after I got my "real" job at Divorce Court. (yes, I've heard it all...and then some). I have worked there now for 24½ years... and believe me, I am counting the hours and minutes until I hit 30 years and can finally retire. (yes, it's been an exhausting haul)
I guess it's no secret that I am a grandma. I have one adult son, and three absolutely adorable (when they're sleeping) grandkids. I love them with all of my heart. Yes, they will be heir to my (non)fortune when I'm gone...which will probably be my broken down van and this blog.
And last but not least... I have NOT had an actual vacation in about 25 years. To me, a vacation would consist of actually leaving home and going to another destination for more than one or two days. The ex and I did do the occasional one night get away, but because of work or the lack of spendage, that was about the extent of it. So, if I can't win the lottery and travel my way through retirement (some day), I would like to go on an honest-to-goodness vacation while I'm still on this earth.

WHEW... that was some hard work (wiping sweat off the brow)

Now... on to the next and funnest part (is funnest an actual word?)

A chance for some better deserving bloggers to win this awesome award. These are some of the blogs I read regularly, and they are really funny... If you haven't yet, go check 'em out... then go back and see if they take up the passed torch and tell the world their dirty little secrets...

Nooter the Dog: He's always up to something. If he isn't chasing squirrels, napping, or blogging, you can be sure "the human" he lives with is bound to come home to yet another adventure.

ThinkinFyou: This lady doesn't hold anything back... and at the same time, she remains a lady. She was our super cool Summer Blogger Camp Director Extraordinaire!

Nonamedufus: Go hang out a while over at this guy's blog...you won't regret it for sure! While you're there, join in on one of his caption contests.

Ettarose: Check out Sanity on Edge over at Ettarose's blog. She's hosting the Guess The Blogger Baby Contest (which I've entered). Take a peek and see if you can guess which one is me, and while you're there, she also has some caption contests.

Waltsense: If you go now over to WaltSense Journal, you can read about a bunch of things we couldn't live without brought on by Cuba's toilet paper shortage... This guy has some really hilarious stories to tell...

Amy Oops!: Ya gotta go visit Navy vet, Amy Oops!... where funny is a four letter word - Oops! She finds the best stuff out there...

Beyond Left Field: Finally, you'll be glad to detoured Beyond Left Field with Red Raider, where he expounds on his Salute To Morons... It's good stuff!

Okay fellow bloggers and bloggerettes, show us what ya got..... GO!

Today's Mini Rant: Beggers

2009-08-13T13:09:00.002-04:00

The city I live in is often referred to around here as a "small big city." It's big enough with plenty of city-type advantages without being huge, I guess. Like most bigger cities, we have our share of needy folks. There are shelters, soup kitchens, churches who provide dinners, food baskets, and low-cost food for people in need...along with the other usual entities. My experience has been that most people who really need these services are humble folks and appreciate the help they are getting.

Which brings me to people I've run into over and over in and around the downtown area who approach people walking or in your car asking for money handouts...and in my personal experience, these people usually want the money for alcohol or drugs, no matter what they tell you.

They usually come equipped with a made-up sob story meant to make you feel sorry for them or that they are having an unexpected emergency, like their car broke down two blocks from there and they need money to buy gas.

Yes, I have been suckered many times...knowing full well that they are full of baloney, but that maybe they needed that buck or two more than I did.

However, I like many, have been hit hard by this unbelievable economy, and now days even one dollar has a use in my every day life.

Today must've been the day for beggers though. On my way to work this morning, as I was sitting at a red light at an intersection waiting to turn left, I was approached by a woman at my window. Mind you, I'm in the middle of the street and there was about to be oncoming traffic.

This woman approaches my window tearfully, with a little blood on her lip (truthfully, it looked like she bit it), but she says she's been in a horrible fight with her husband and she needs whatever help I can give her...and she proceeds to kneel on the ground -- in the middle of the street -- begging and pleading with me to give her money.

geeeeeez

I yell at her to get up off the ground because she's about to get hit by oncoming traffic... hell, I don't want to be responsible for this woman getting run over next to my car. Anyway, I dig out a couple of dollars and wish her good luck. (shaking my head)

Anyway, I go out for lunch today...which I almost never do anymore because I can't afford to spend the money... but today I did. I pull into a place close to the downtown area and was waiting in the drive-thru line. I am again approached at my window. Different woman, but asking for money. Was she trying to tell me a sad story? No. Did she say she needed it for food? No. She had a definite attitude, practically yelling at me to give her some money.

HELL NO... I got suckered already once today, and I don't have any to spare now anyways... and who wants to "help" someone who has an obvious attitude...

So, she gives me a nasty face, and approaches the car in front of me. That person hands over to her some dollar bills... it was at least $2 and maybe more.

This woman turns around...walks back past my vehicle, waving her newly obtained reward... and snaps her fingers at me yelling, "NOW, wasn't that easy?"

...blink blink...

I could NOT BELIEVE it. I'm thinking...yeah, that sure was easy for YOU!! *I* on the other hand, have to work all day to earn MY money!!

The impossible nerve of some people.

Just wow.... still shaking my head...

Oh Baby, Baby!!

2009-08-10T13:35:00.003-04:00

It's Baby day today at our fellow Humor Blogger, Ettarose's place, Sanity On Edge with a Guess the Blogger Baby Contest. Go on over and see if you can figure out who is who...or which one is me.

Just a little ditty in honor of baby contest day:

A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor. The doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father."

The maried couple decided that they would try this, so the doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father. The husband said, "I feel okay, turn it up a lot more," so the doctor turned it up to 50%. The husband said, "why don't you just put it all on me because I'm not feeling a thing." The doctor warned them that "this much pain could kill y ou if you're not prepared." The husband replied, "I'm ready." So the doctor turned the machine up to 100%. Still the husband did not feel a thing. So, they went home happy with a pain free labor. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the front porch!

Of course, nothing like that ever happened with any of "us"... ;)

Is It A Dog-Eat-Dog World?

2009-08-06T13:49:00.008-04:00

They say it's a dog-eat-dog world...

But is it really?

I've never seen dogs eating other dogs.

But what I DID see today was quite disturbing!

What, you ask?

Chicken!

Yeah, that's disturbing alright...

...but I meant this kind:

Yep, it's happened folks... some numb-nut threw their uneaten leftover chicken out onto the ground... and the FIRST ones to claim the feast -- were other birds!

We now live in a day when birds eat birds...

You'd expect that from the lot rats:

But NOT from these little fellas:

NOOOO!!

But it's true...

And it was quite a feeding frenzy I gotta tell ya...

...looked a lot like this:

Isn't this cannibalism on some level?

...I'm Just Sayin... ;)

Campfire Story: Mr. Stumpy

2009-07-29T19:18:00.006-04:00

This is summer camp week over at Humor Bloggers dot com (of which I am a proud member), along with our Camp Director Extraordinaire, ThinkinFyou...and today is Scary Campfire Story Day!! Even though I didn't originally sign up to participate, I was inspired...

I'll never forget 5th grade camp...and one campfire story in particular...

We all gathered around the fire, excited to hear a fun story.

It was a dark and sto... SPAZ? Why are you interrupting my story? Don't worry, he's just jealous because I can deliver that line without interruption...

Anyway... It was a dark and stormy night. It was so quiet you could hear the night creatures scampering through the woods, the bats flying overheard, and the night owls who-who-whoing...altogether too close by. (shiver)

Yonder was an upcoming storm. You could hear the far away thunder as it was approaching overhead, and could see the lightning crackle throughout the skyline in the distance. (Oh, I hate storms...)

The legend of ole Mr. Stumpy was told for our entertainment. (Oh shit, there's a Mr. Stumpy?) He died right here in these woods one night...whose estranged brother, whose wife he stole for himself, chopped his leg off with a firewood axe during a confrontation they had one day and beat him to death with the bloody stump. (holy shit)

Countless thousands of towns folk have heard Mr. Stumpy right here in these very woods. (eyes wide)

As well as passersby who didn't even know about Mr. Stumpy. While happily setting up camp, they heard what sounded like moaning and groaning coming from the woods... sounded like crawling...and dragging noises. That would be Mr. Stumpy pulling himself through the woods dragging his bloody stump behind him... (blink)... looking for someone to bludgeon to death with it...like what happened to him... (frozen silence)

Hear tell... If Mr. Stumpy hears anyone talking about him...he will wake from his death slumber (again, holy shit)...and cause him to seek you out and not stop until he finds you.

-- Well, right about now, the lights go out over at the main camp house --

and

-- Loud groans and scuffling noises begin coming towards us from in the woods! --

HOLY FUCK SHIT!! (Thanks Moooooog) I'm not sticking around here!!

Now you see 50-some 5th grade kids screaming and running in every direction. Some went to their cabin and locked the doors...locking out others who were pounding on doors, screaming, and crying. Some actually ran INTO (yes, I said INTO) said woods. They might have been special ed, I'm not sure. One even ran dead into a tree and knocked himself out.

Ahhhhh, the memories of 5th grade scary campfire stories. Needless to say, the camp counselors that year had a LOT to answer for.

The Phuket Room

2009-07-22T18:50:00.009-04:00

Did you know there was a place called Phuket, Thailand? Neither did I..... until tonight.

I really...REALLY like that name! As a supervisor at work, I think I'm going to dub our conference room "The Phuket Room." ... for all those times when all you can think is....PHUK IT AND PHUK YOU!!! I think our mascot will have to be the flying finger...in all it's glory...

This would, of course, be complete with it's very own motto: Not Happy? Too bad... suck it up and PHUK IT!!!

Our department administrator has implemented the "chill pill" jar for those stressed out or disgruntled. I think the appropriate name for a jar in this room would be the Phuket Bucket! ... heavily laced with Jack Daniels... or Jose...

WHAT?? You can drink what you want on lunch hour, right? .... RIGHT??

HEEEYYYY!!! How did THAT get in here?? That would never happen here.... er... trust me...

Maybe we can boost morale by handing out "dress down Friday" T-shirts!!... yeah. They would look pretty much like this:

Hey... this could be a positive getaway to hold at bay those getting ready to "go postal" in this ridiculously UNnecessary recession... those tired of covering 4 positions because positions either have to remain unfilled or people would have to get laid off... in short... shut up and suck it up... Phuket!

SOOOO... let's have a fun room -- The Phuket Room -- where we can relax, unwind, and badmouth...

whoever the phuk we want...

Ahhhh... take me to The Phuket Room...

Word Play Part III

2009-07-21T12:43:00.009-04:00

Here's some more play on words:

1. A bicycle cannot stand alone because it is two-tired

2. A backward poet writes inverse

3. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

4. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds

5. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered

6. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it

7. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat

8. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end

9. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall

10. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat

11. Every calendar's days are numbered

My Stephanie Plum Cast Picks -- a Nooter addition

2009-07-13T15:42:00.031-04:00

TADA!!! This is what the world has been waiting for.... (not)

Oh well ...

These would be my cast picks to play the roles of characters in a Stephanie Plum movie, which I posted about here. Thanks for all the great suggestions. I have fun with this kind of stuff, what can I say... I found some really good second choices for some of them too. Well, here goes:

First of all, the overwhelming first choice I got from all around for the part of Stephanie Plum was: Sandra Bullock, and I agree.

Not only does she have the right look, she has the perfect personality to play Stephanie...and we all know she can be very funny.

Second, my choice of actors to play Lula is: Sherry Shephard. Right now, she is one of the hosts of The View, but she has played many funny roles...the one that made me think of her for Lula was her role as Robert's police partner on Everybody Loves Raymond. This girl can deliver the funny lines...with the perfect amount of Lula attitude!

Next, for the role of Grandma Mazur... it's GOT to be Cloris Leachman. We've seen her in some funny roles...but WOW, did you check out her lively antics on Dancing With the Stars? I can just see her as little Grandma Mazur, trying out anything and everything she thinks sounds fun, visiting her favorite social spot, the local funeral parlor, and carrying along her gun toting purse... can't you?

For Joe Morelli, the hot Italian, who was the teenaged trouble-maker-turned-police officer, who is Stephanie's main love interest...on and off... I like John Stamos. I thought there were some other good choices for second place...like Colin Farell and Ben Bratt. I still like John as first pick though... What do you think?

Then there's the ever mysterious Ranger. I think this is the most difficult role to fill, maybe partly because he's so mysterious...only knowing basic things about him...and the way he pops in and out of places, not to mention his quiet, sexy manner...and his seemingly unlimited source of funds... but I think it could be pulled off by Antonio Banderas... if they could get him to look like his younger days.... oh well,

For the Italian wise-cracking bombshell who runs the bail bonds office, I really like Drea de Matteo. She had a fairly big role in The Sopranos until she got whacked...and she's also done a sit-com since and some other things. I really like her Jersey accent and attitude for this part. My second pick for this role could be Fran Drescher...she has another great personality for this role I think...but OHH that voice!!

And, last....my pick to play Vinnie, the owner of the bail bonds office (through his wife's father, so he's stuck with her while mongering after everything in a skirt)... He's described as quite a smarmy character who mildly resembles a rat... Sorry, Andy Garcia... but I think you could pull this one off!!!

I have been taken to task about not having a cool dog in the script!! But wait! Joe Morelli DOES have a really cool dog companion -- a golden retriever I believe -- named Bob! Soooooo, I would definitely cast, without reservation, the coolest blogger dog I know in the role of Bob..... NOOTER! You would definitely be able to carry out Bob's antics without a hitch!

Well, I'd love to hear what everyone else thinks and what other suggestions you may have that might be even better.

If you haven't read any of the books in this series, and you like funny and silly... you will love these books. They do stand alone, but there is also an underlying storyline with the characters. Some are better than others, but I had fun with all of them. Soooo... who's gonna get this thing rollin anyway? ;)

A Lesson in Boobology

2009-07-13T11:38:00.005-04:00

...Sorry to the guys... it's probably not what you thought it would be, but here's a little something just for you first:

OOPS!!! Wrong picture...

There ya go....

That's the best I could do from my work computer on this subject! (and yes, I'm at lunch :-P)

Anyway, while most people are spending time these days on vacations of one kind or another, *I* am finding myself totally glued to work, and not being able to take any time off at all right now because it's soooo ridiculously short staffed -- and one cross training on another floor, and one out for double knee surgery until September -- there's no way to be off right now unless you're sick!

Hmmmm....

Well, I'm not sick....

But I CAN get an afternoon off by going to my annual, fun-filled, always a smashing time guaranteed -- Mammogram... yeah, that sounds like fun! Well, it IS time for one.

In honor of this monumentally pressing event, this is the Mammography Poem -- A Lesson in Boobology:

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.

So, I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore a bra.

After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram,
Okay, I said, let's do it.

Stand up here real close, she said,
She got my boob in line,
And tell me when it hurts, she said,
Ah yes! Right there, that's fine.

She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooters in a vise!!

My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish pancake thin!

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!

Take a deep breath, she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is smashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.

There, that's good, I heard her say,
The room was slowly swaying.
Now, let's have a go at the other one.
Have mercy I was praying.

It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.

Next time they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steamrolled.

If I had no problems when I came in,
I sure have one now!
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out!!

I think I'll be putting in a request EARLY for a vacation next summer....I can definitely think of better things to do with even an afternoon off from work ...I'm just Sayin... ;)

Stephanie Plum Readers Wanted

2009-07-09T19:52:00.004-04:00

Me and our blogger friend Phillipia have pondered this in the past. I just yesterday finished Finger Lickin Fifteen by Janet Evanovich in the Stephanie Plum series.

First:

A lifetime with Morelli

Super flings with Ranger?

Second:

If they were to make a movie about this series, who would you cast in the following roles:

Stephanie Plum

Lula

Grandma Mazur

Connie

Joe Morelli

Ranger

I have some ideas of my own, but curious to see who everyone comes up with...

Go!!!

Word Play Part II

2009-07-05T19:26:00.004-04:00

In Part II, the objective is to take a word and alter it...by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and then supply a new definition:

1. Bozone (n): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (Extra credit for this one)

9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer...

10. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of going through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler Effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

...and my personal favorite:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who is both stupid and an asshole...

;)

Roast of My Good Friend, Phillipia

2009-07-01T14:37:00.019-04:00

This is my 100th post on ...I'm Just Sayin... In honor of this milestone, I thought it would be most appriopriate to honor my oldest bff blogging buddy, Phillipia of Writes Phillipia...

In case you hadn't read how we came to be blogging friends, you can read that HERE. (I just MIGHT have finally figured out the link thing -- duhh)

Where do I begin with Sr. Phillipia... Well, first and foremost she is not really a nun, in case you hadn't figured that out yet. But she is, however, a mother. You would never hear her say this, but she is an awesome mother at that. She has three children "well on their way to independence," all of whom she should be very proud of. She is a very active Rebel Mom at her youngest son's high school, which she blogs about occasionally. Phillipia is also a hard worker and all around funny person...

That being said... what else can you say about a woman who is admired, revered, and loved by everyone? I can start by saying she's not the woman we're honoring here today. (rim shot)

But seriously folks, this is a woman of great compassion. She's never said a bad word about anybody. She doesn't know anybody.

Actually, that's not true... she is well loved by the Rebel Moms for her uncanny natural ability to say all the right things at exactly the wrong times. (suck it up RMs) Phillipia is one of the most colorful personalities I know. She's green with envy and fights the blues armed with happy pills, but there's no yellow belly streak anywhere to be found in this little lady. She can out talk an echo. Just ask the people at Peyton PHlaCe...

Phillipia loves hard and lives life to the fullest. We won't talk about the tard (remember Loganesque?) we both knew before, which is how we met...or the gazillion online foreign scammers out there doing their best (idiots) to fool some unsuspecting, needy woman (which Phillipia definitely is neither). Yes, she's had her share of dating faux pas, but she's hanging in there. Her latest dating experience left her with a (beautiful, nice, loving, free-to-a-good-home -- REALLY) pain in the ass cat! At this point, there's no middle ground for this guy with me, you either hate him or detest him...I don't like him, and I always will.

Anyway... Sometimes Phillipia feels her age and worries about being among the so-called middle aged...and what would you expect from a woman who was born in an Edsel? ... but I digress. Phillipia stays healthy by regularly hitting the pool at Bally's. I'm not gonna say she's a personality to be contended with...all I'm gonna say is whatever you do, DO NOT ask her to share her lap lane...she's an elastic band on the edge just waiting to SNAP!! -- and if she blows, it could quite possibly include the elastic bands of her swim suit...so look out!

In conclusion, Phillipia's blog (Write's Phillipia...) is definitely one to check out if you haven't already. She has the grace of a swan, the wisdom of an owl, the eye of an eagle...Ladies and gentleman, this woman is for the birds!! (If you don't like birds, she has a cat for you)

...And don't worry, Phillipia, you never have to worry about being over the hill...not in that car you drive.

...I'm Just Sayin... ;)

Weird Times

2009-06-29T14:57:00.012-04:00

Is it a full moon or what?? ...and how long do they last anyway...

Honestly, besides all of the deaths this past week, there have also been some odd stories in the news lately of ridiculous things. Here are just a few:

THE FUCKTARD SURGEON:

The Associated Press reports in Colorado Springs, a nurse says a heart surgeon tossed bloody human tissue at her during an operation, then the hospital demoted her after she complained. (Whaaat??)

Sonja Morris is suing Memorial Hospital in Colorado Springs. In papers filed Friday, Morris claims that Dr. Bryan Mahan tossed a piece of human heart tissue at her during a 2008 open-heart surgery. Morris said the 4-by-6 inch piece of protective heart tissue hit her on the leg and that Mahan joked about throwing it. (OMG! Wouldn't want that guy for my surgeon...)

Morris says she was demoted off a heart surgery team after complaining about the tissue incident and other harassment. The lawsuit names only the hospital, not the surgeon. (Sounds like a really UNbrilliant move there). A Memorial Hospital spokeswoman declined to comment on the lawsuit.
-------------

...QUITE POSSIBLY THE DUMBASS OF THE DAY!

In Clackamas, Oregon, a man upset at the way McDonald's employees handled his order, was charged after allegedly calling 911 repeatedly on Friday to report the restaurant had robbed him, authorities said.

Jeremy Martin, 23, (doesn't he remind you of Bloo?) was charged with improper use of the 911 service and spent a night in jail over the incident.

The man said he paid $10 in the drive thru but only received a single burger and a fry before he was told to pull around. The dispatcher told him, "Sir, this is not a police matter, you need to take it up with the manager of the McDonald's."

But a person who identified himself as Martin called back demanding they send an officer to the scene and threatening to sue. This went on, and he was finally told by the dispatcher, "If you continue calling 911, you will be arrested for misuse." He responded, "Well, arrest me at (expletive) 82nd and Sunnyside Road..."

Eventually, an officer arrived after a person who identified himself as Martin called 911 again (He called AGAIN!!). Also, a McDonald's employee called 911 to report that three men were screaming at her and trying to fight.

On Saturday, Martin told KATU he stood by his ations. He said, "I was very upset that they tried to charge me for food I had already paid for. For me to end up going to jail over a $10 order, that's just ridiculous." (pea-brain)
-----------

...THE UNEXPLAINED...

In Warren, Ohio, police released a video of a woman who was interrogated by officers with a baby squirrel in her shirt. (WTF??) She was taken into the station to be questioned about a crime.

(here's the link for the video. I've tried, but I'm still link challenged)http://www.newsnet5.com/news/19886368/detail.html#/

The detective sat amazed as the woman continued the conversation while tucking the squirrel into her cleavage. Police let the woman and her animal friend go.

----------------

...OR JUST PLAIN WEIRD!!

Much to Casey Whittington's pleasure, the case of a missing canoe may soon be coming to a close.

A man claiming to have taken a 14-year-old Whittington's canoe a few weeks ago placed a call to Whittington's home Tuesday. The man, only identified as Chris, said he learned about Casey's disappointment in the theft through a story that recounted the boy's tale in Sunday's Record Searchlight.

But the man isn't giving up that easy. It seems he's taken the boat hostage.

Chris told the boy and his mother, Susan Snow, that in exchange for a 30-pack of beer, he is more than willing to give back the canoe, red paddle included. But it seems like a pretty quirky setup. The time, date, and place (probably a gas station) will be disclosed to the family when Chris calls in the next couple of days.

As part of the arrangement, Whittington and his mother were told not to contact the police. He had just recently taken to fixing the canoe and placed it near a boat launch on Lake Shasta a few weeks ago, watching it float for the first time. He returned the next day ready to take it out on the water and it was gone.... Unbelievable

----------

...Maybe the aliens have landed and we just haven't figured it out yet (music from Twilight Zone)... I'm Just Sayin...

Word Play Part I

2009-06-26T09:54:00.004-04:00

Here are some alternative meanings for common words:

1. Coffee (n) the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj) appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v) to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj) impotent.

6. Negligent (adj) describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v) to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n) olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n) a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n) a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n) a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Circumvent (n) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

:-D

Washington Post

Two Cent Tribute

2009-06-25T19:50:00.009-04:00

WOW!!! Two in one day! I'm no star struck type of person by any means... but there's something about losing people that is hard to take. Both of these people were icons of my childhood, and into my son's childhood. So, a bit of nostalgia ...

First Farrah. No one can dispute her magnetic beauty, and the perfect look for the time. She did turn out to be a good actress on top of that... and it seems a very involved and loving mother.

I don't know WHATever actually happened to this guy...but no matter what, it's regretful... he definitely was a quite a musical talent.

....and just yesterday, Ed McMahon.

Good bye to these people who I grew up watching in my living room "window to the world."

The Resimay

2009-06-22T11:19:00.004-04:00

To hoom it mae cunsern,
I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I kin type realee qwik with one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person, Pepole realee seam to reespond to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.

I no my spelling is not too good but find that I offen can get a job with my persinalety...

My salerery is open so we kin discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth. I kin start emeditely.

Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser. Hopifuly yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

Bubba

PS: Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.

Employer's response:

Dear Bubba,

It's OK, Honey, we've got spell check. See you Monday.

Divorce Anyone???

2009-06-17T22:08:00.003-04:00

Yeah, unfortunately, I work in Divorce Court..... Disputes over salt n pepper shakers aren't nearly as entertaining, but trust me, it happens...... THIS is the result of the ex getting not only the double wide, but the truck!!! ;)

A Whole New Meaning for Asswipe...

2009-06-15T22:42:00.007-04:00

Went to a new restaurant today....

Just wondering.......

Is this sanitary???

Is this standard for all employees as well as customers??

Kinda makes me want to throw up my lunch.... or leave whichever came first...

...I'm Just Sayin...

Not a good thing to put in a RESTAURANT of all places....

Think they need to fix it...

Lipstick Deja Vu

2009-06-14T22:25:00.006-04:00

I almost never wear make up. Why? I just don't know...just don't have time, I guess. Also, since I have short hair, I feel like there aren't many other ways to actually "dress up," but to apply some make up and more spiffy clothes.

Anyway, I am having such an occasion coming up, where I will probably want to refer to the ole make up. Feeling like my make up was old and out of date, I decided to take a trip to the mall and look for some updated colors. They have lots by the way.... mostly same colors but with different names. Found the perfect eye pencil liner right off... deeper blue to enhance blue.... What *I've* always had trouble with .... is that doggone lipstick!!! Red doesn't fit me... my mom liked orange, but -- NO... "no" color just eludes me, I mean...wtf for?

So...I went to the mall. I hate the mall actually...but, where else do you go? So, I find a couple of make up counters, and decided to go ahead and get the whole works.... the makeover, and whatever. Told the girls I was looking for "something different," ya know...something *just right.* After going through a long series of possibilities, I felt like I finally found just the right thing for me!! NOW, I can feel confident....now I can know I look good!!

Soooo..... I take said make up and perfect lipstick home! Figured at that point, I should just get rid of the old and replace with the new!! So, that I did!!

Except............ when throwing away the old, I look at the name at the bottom... WTF?? It's the same damn color that I *already had!!!* .... I picked the EXACT same lipstick color I had from BEFORE!!!!! OYYY!!!

Guess I'll just stick with what I already have... it's a lot cheaper!!

Happy Penis Day??

2009-06-12T20:22:00.008-04:00

I just now learned that March 15 is Penis Day in Japan!! The actual celebration is called Honen Matsuri, celebrated every March 15 in Komaki, 45 minutes north of Nagoya, Japan. The custom is related to bringing out a good harvest and having babies. THREE CHEERS TO RENEWAL AND FERTILITY!!

Why don't we have fun stuff like this around here??...I'm Just Sayin... Happy belated Penis Day!!

Got Spiders??

2009-06-11T20:19:00.004-04:00

Spiders. These creatures do have a purpose, which I am grateful for. Usually, the one place I'd really prefer they NOT mess with.....is inside my living place. Spiders, bugs, and creatures are just not welcome and that's how I wanna keep it!

But tonight when I arrived at home, I noticed a neighbor out by a bush.... jumping around like her feet were on fire.... WTF? I watched for a few minutes while she would lean forward just a little..... then jump back like she was being attacked by an evil bush monster..... OR..... a spider.....

I walked over and asked her what's going on?

Well, I was walking by this bush earlier, and I couldn't believe the size of the spider in this bush!! Well, it WAS bigger than the average spider around these parts in spring time...

She proceeded to point her little can of bug spray at the spider...... sssspppttt... like a perfume bottle..... ssppttt -- ooohhh, then jump back. It was actually pretty funny to watch. The spider, on the other hand, didn't seem to even notice. Okay, so I wanted to help. I said, I think I can get it for you...... let me see the bug spray.........

Where'd it go? Oh, here it is...... ENTER, the lighter! Yes I did!!!.........

No more of that sissy spritz, then jump back shit.......... Said spider became history in about 20 seconds!!!

I feel kinda bad that the bush ended up looking a lot like this...............>>>>

BUT!!!! The big, ugly, menacing, scary spider is gone!!!! My work is done here.....

...I'm Just Sayin...

What?

WHAT????

Fucktard of the Day!!

2009-06-08T19:04:00.003-04:00

Yep, they're out there... Fucktard Warning:

Okay, so I'm drivin down the road, right?...... It's been a L-O-N-G Monday to say the least... AND I'm in my new-to-me hoopty van!! (hoopty doo!!)

Said fucktard is driving in the lane to the immediate right of me. BTW, the music is so loud, I can't hear my OWN radio!

I'm now in the left of the double left turn lanes....Fucktard is in the right left turn lane (since it's a double left turn lane don'tcha know)...

SUDDENLY, without any warning whatsoever...Fucktard swerves right in front of me.... putting me and my new hoopty in immediate danger!!! It's a miracle....maybe guardian angels....or my overdose of caffiene, it's hard to say...... but I was able to avoid the collision he was OBVIOUSLY trying to make happen!!! But here's the good part...... oh yeah....

After we pull over to recover from the almost catastrophy... the first thing Fucktard says to me is...... Dooooooood, like where'd you come from? You totally weren't there a minute ago....

??!!!???? YES!!!!! I WAS!!!! My question is ------ WTF were YOU????? Space cadet here..... WTF? OH..... BTW...... he had to hurry and get into my lane because................ -- he saw a Sprint Wireless store!!! Yeah, said Fucktard was on his way to the mall cell phone store, but upon seeing a Sprint store directly to his left, decided to IMMEDIATELY and without LOOKING apparently.... to just turn...... others in traffic be damned....... Yep, they dwell among us.... growing 'em every day 'round here.... Makes ya think twice about even running to the damn store!!! BEWARE!

...I'm Just Sayin...

Yeah Buddy, Way To Go!!

2009-06-07T18:49:00.008-04:00

Have you ever seen 3 to 5 year olds play a sport? Looks like this >>>>>>>

I think it's GREAT that parents and communities are making sports available to children at such young ages. At the very least it will save most kids who participated early from getting teased in gym class because they don't have a clue! (happy childhood memories) But it clearly gives them confidence when they find the sports they are good at, and the early ability to learn how to be team players.

I have three of the cutest, most awesome grandkids anyone could ever hope for. So far, both of the older two have participated in multiple sports teams. They had fun, it was good for them, and it's definitely fun to watch.

With that being said....

My (just turned) five year old grandson had his last soccer game and awards ceremy this weekend...... Back to my original question: Have you ever seen little kids play organized sports? If you haven't, you should. It's the time of your life. I mean, you just GOTTA laugh..... withhold what you're REALLY thinking.... and be encouraging all at the same time!! It's an exercise in (withholding) verbal expression that many could really benefit from. Maybe they could implement something like this to replace the increasingly evil waterboarding.....

There are times when it looks like an honest-to-God clusterf**k!! (And I mean of the Military-type variety! Whatever you do NEVER.... NEVER, NEVER, EVER. Google clusterf**k looking for pictures..... NEVER, take my word for it.)

These little guys (gender NOT specific) are having fun and they're really TRYING to do what they're supposed to do.

Coach: Okay, Oscar, throw the ball in, and you other two get into position! No, you stand here, and you stand here.... Okay, GO!

NOOOO... you were supposed to throw it the OTHER way! Where is our goal? What direction were you supposed to throw it? Okay, do that next time.....good job.....

You can see the frustration on the dad's faces....it's hilarious! One day, one of these dads are gonna have a cardiac arrest right on the field....no kidding. They've GOT to be thinking "no, you little shit...didn't I TELL you about that? You gotta get BEHIND the ball and kick it into the OTHER team's goal!!!!!!" But of course what comes out is, "good try buddy....keep going." (clap clap) Okay, here we go....

......as the other team is throwing the ball in, Alice decides she's hot and tired and needs a drink...thus, runs off the field to mom to get a drink... totally oblivious to what's happening on the soccer field. Parent encourages child to go back onto the field, coach tries to pull in the fourth player who is "on rest break," but then Alice goes back onto the field...refreshed and hydrated just in time for the other team to score another point. Dads are turning really pretty shades of red and purple.... they shake their head and look at their feet... take a deep breath... and say....."Okay, good job guys, let's turn it around now...."

You can only imagine....but it really IS a lot of fun. Who needs to be perfect when you're only 5... or 3?? Too bad I can't take a lot of "ADD-type" breaks at work....lol.... it might be chaotic, but it would be so much more fun!!! ... I'm Just Sayin...

Anyway, here's my now-five year old soccer champ for this year, who was awarded not only a spiffified colygraphic certificate...but also an Olympic-worthy gold medal!! (I know you're jealous...those medals are hard to come by...)

Okay...WTF??

2009-06-02T09:40:00.006-04:00

Really..... WTF???

.....And Baby Makes...4? No....Perfection!

2009-06-01T12:04:00.002-04:00

There was a baby shower this weekend, and my enquiring mind BEGS the question:

How do you tell your kid that you're expecting a new baby? Here's ONE way...

Hey, little man, get up out of bed
And wipe all the sleep from those eyes
I know that it's late
But we just couldn't wait
To tell you our big, new surprise

Remember that night about three months ago
When you walked into mom and dad's room?
And then how we talked about the birds and the bees
And arousal and climax and wombs...

Well, six months from now, you'll be a big brother!
That's right little tiger, it's true!
Mommy and daddy are making a better version of you...

It might be a boy
Just like his older brother,
But without the flaws holding you down
Or if we're really lucky,
We could have a girl
Like we wanted the first time around!

Maybe this new person won't wet the bed
And bug us for candy and toys
I'll bet the new "you" will shut up when we tell him
And not make so much fucking noise!!!

Thanks to the five years
We've had you to practice on
Now we know what NOT to do
Mommy and daddy are making a better version of you...

Can you imagine the things he'll achieve
As a doctor, or lawyer, or Indian Chief?
He'll be an astronaut, or bring world peace.
He'll win the World Series, or cure all disease.
He will be handsome, and very popular
He will be wealthy, and very important indeed.
He will be famous, special, and have no needs.
And you... get to watch!!

It's a lot for a little boy to take in
But we know that you're brave and you're tough
So we ask that you give to him all of your love
...And your bedroom, and all of your stuff!!

It's not a replacement; it's more like an "upgrade"
It's our little man... Version 2
Mommy and daddy are making...
The buns in the oven and baking...
Mommy and Daddy are making...a better version of you!!

Why are you crying?

Thanks to Paul and storm

COUPON? FAIL........

2009-05-28T20:41:00.003-04:00

I never did get to use my free coupon for KFC...

But I did finally try out the new grilled chicken! Good choice, since there aren't many other grilled varieties out there!! BUT.... you just cannot beat the original gangsta chicken......... I'm Just Sayin........ :-P

What Would YOU Have Said?

2009-05-27T18:05:00.011-04:00

Remember back in 2004 when the Deputy was caught peeing in a public elevator? This shit really does happen!

I work in a downtown building, which is frequented by the public... and the occasional street person. A few months ago, an employee got onto an elevator, to discover that the person riding with him had apparently just pissed on the floor of the elevator.

He was so astonished, he said nothing to the guy...

After all, it wasn't like it was in a neat little package even...

Just all over the side and the floor....

...nor was it because he thought it would be a warm and fuzzy

feeling regarding his trip there that day...

Noooooo, it was more of a huge fuck you to those he was leaving behind there that day. Turns out it was a very unhappy client. Guess he didn't get everything he wanted in his divorce. There are no cams in these elevators, so he got away with it.

Anyway, the guy who was in the elevator with him that day has been teased endlessly about what he should have said or done at the time. He is retiring next month and the coordinators of the party are gathering suggestions of what he could or should have said or done that day to further give him asses and elbows.

So far, the contributions are few:

* Did I somehow piss you off?

* Excuse me, you seem to be leaking...

* How do YOU spell relief...

* Is it raining in here or are you just happy to see me?
* Was it good for you?

* Listen, Mr. I. P. Freely, I don't know where you come from, but we don't do that here.

* Better to be pissed off than pissed on...

What would YOU have said or done?

Open Letter to The First Day Back to Work After a Holiday Weekend

2009-05-26T19:49:00.003-04:00

Dear First Day Back to Work After a Holiday Weekend,

You soooo totally suck. I hate you. At least next time don't be raining that day. Better yet, remind me next time so I can take a vacation day and return on the second day after a holiday weekend.

No UnHappy Returns,
Winky Twinky

P.S. Did I mention that you suck!! :-P

Okay, So I'm Hopeless...

2009-05-25T17:56:00.006-04:00

I've been folding clothes, towels, and bedding for how many umpteen years now! Am I the only idiot who simply cannot fold the fitted sheet!?! Hence, the picture above. Now, I don't know about you, but I refuse to iron sheets, jeans, or underwear -- sorry.... but usually a good fold is good enough for most every day items..... EXCEPT the damn fitted sheet. Neighbor Homemaker's folded sheet looks like the one on the right...while mine turns out like the one on the left.... and it always unfolds in wrinkles.

So, I ask Neighbor Homemaker to give me some tips. She very proficiently proceeded to walk me through how she does it, beginning with matching up the rounded ends and putting them together.... like thus and so....

Well, I KNOW about that..... my mother taught me about matching up the corners and putting them neatly together.

So, next she shows me how to press together, smoothing out all the wrinkles, tucking neatly, smoothing some more, matching the edges up just like this...

Yeah, I can do that... (she thinks she knows everything)...

So, I go home and fold my sheet exactly as instructed...to the exact same specifications.....

So.....WHY OH WHY... does my sheet STILL not look like hers? I mean it doesn't even look as good as mine did before!!!

.....SIGH... Okay, so it's ME, I get it....I'm doomed for wrinkled sheets... does it REALLY matter in the scheme of things?? .... I'm Just Sayin...

Happy Memorial Day

2009-05-25T11:44:00.004-04:00

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY!

I'm embarrassed to say that I've been so busy, I haven't gotten to the computer. But I would never, ever forget the reason for this holiday. Thank you to each and every person who has served in protecting the freedoms of this great Country....and especially those who made the ultimate sacratifce. You are appreciated, not just today, but every day.

Open Letter to the Meter Ticket Guy

2009-05-21T09:28:00.002-04:00

Dear Meter Ticket Guy,

You walk around with that bright red vest on, making your rounds more efficiently than EVER before and writing a record number of tickets....yep, there goes another one.

You shouldn't bother trying to be friendly, NO ONE likes you. You might as well know, you are in very serious danger of getting run over... just so ya know.

Who's the Sadistic Bastard?!?

2009-05-20T17:40:00.004-04:00

I MEAN REALLY!!!

I recently got a new-to-me van...after a little work, it'll be good as new! Anyway, this thing came with a built-in SAFETY feature. Yeah...a *safety* feature.....

Here's how it works: As soon as you unlock the door...or open a door, or do anything as far as accessing the vehicle, this *safety* feature kicks in and you then have X amount of time to disable the alarm, which is counting down. This is done by pressing and holding down a particular button inside the vehicle for five seconds. Presumably this is to disuade those who would break in.....

But what if you aren't worried about that...

Here's my thinking..... I am desperately running for my life from the legions of undead zombies who found me unawares by the Chinese fat people who were trailing my car that evening.... I get to the van and get in as quickly as possible with the zombies hot on my trail.

At this point, what you WANT is to be able to hop in, start the damn thing and get the hell outta there!! But....NO..... I get to my van, unlock it with my key and hop in. In order to start the van, I must first disable the alarm or not only will the alarm go off, but you cannot start it. So, I'm sitting there pressing the alarm button to disable the alarm.....MIND YOU, the button you must push to disarm the thing is the UNLOCK button...yep, the UN-frickin-lock button!!! So, now I'm a sitting target .... So, I wanna know -- WHO is the sadistic bastard who came up with this genious invention!!!! Haven't they ever watched a horror flick...or worked downtown??!!?? ......I'm just sayin.....

So, my solution to this is to cleverly disguise my van so the zombies will become confused ... or at the very least take extra time to smash through the uniquely designed coverings.....

I know.... great idea huh? :-P

Mascot Results

2009-05-19T18:46:00.006-04:00

All I can say is..... these hard times make it so they definitely DO NOT have a sense of humor!!! Co-workers thought it was great though....lol... but Supercat had to go back home during the lunch hour.... (sigh) Can't have fun no how... except those who appreciated the effort are treating me to lunch...woo hoo.... I just hope it isn't like my birthday lunch

Anyway, now you know... don't even try, they do not think shit is funny....

Subtle Enough?

2009-05-18T17:01:00.004-04:00

For all of us understaffed, overworked, underpaid, overtaxed, underinsured, spread too thin employees out there....

I'm pretty sure actually dressing as Superman wouldn't go over so well in the work place to make a statement.... but tomorrow we'll find out what they think about Mascots!! ;)

TGIF!!!

2009-05-15T21:19:00.004-04:00

Well, it has DEFINITELY been a long week. More lay offs, per usual these days. Those of us left are told how lucky we are to still have a job..... while they pile on more and more work...more coverages...and NO staff to cover it..... that's okay, I have my superman cape around here somewhere...........

Anyway, last coupla days I've been busy transforming from one completely dilapidated car... to an old van..... but new to me, and I'm lovin it!!! Have a great weekend everyone!!!

Are Kids Priceless or What.....

2009-05-12T20:22:00.004-04:00

I have three grandbabies... Yeah, to me they'll always be my babies... The oldest is a girl, now 8, next is a boy, 5, and last, a boy, age 2. They both still view the 2 year old as a baby and mostly treat him that way. But the two oldest quickly became rivals... you know how it is when you all of a sudden have to SHARE.... your own toys!!! I guess birth order and how many years apart you are actually do play a part in how you interpret things...

Anyway, my screen saver is a scroll of pictures....almost all of them are of the kids.... One day when they were over, and this picture rolled around... the oldest said to her brother -- LOOK!! I TOLD you I loved you when you were a baby...... (inference: I hate you now, but I USED to love you like I said.... now you have proof!!)

hehe.... nothing better than kids.... I'm Just Sayin... :-P

Live Long and Prosper

2009-05-12T18:44:00.002-04:00

No, this isn't about Star Trek (sorry Trekkies).... These days time goes so quickly, that days all blend together and there's hardly enough time to sleep much less do ANYthing useful... and WHEN did those kids get that age???

Here are some ways to help make your life longer....or seem longer...

1) Marry someone you can't stand. People who've spent 15 years with someone who never stops irritating them will tell you....it feels like 30 years!

2) Work in the most tedious job you can find....not that there's much going on out there right now....but I'm Just Sayin....

3) Adopt mind-numbingly boring hobbies. You'll find that running an ant farm, collecting acorns, or hunting for four-leaf clovers will make your leisure time seem almost limitless.

4) Watch artsy foreign films or documentaries about the sleeping habits of hybernating bears instead of exciting Hollywood movies.

5) Read technical manuals and books about ancient history instead of novels. It's helpful if you read the same book over and over....just avoid any gratuitous sex scenes, 'cause we all know technical manuals have plenty of those...

6) Stare blankly at a wall. When you're not engaged in your chosen hobby, use your spare time to spruce up your life span with that simple exercise... You'll feel like you've added several hours to your day!

7) Avoid intense sporting events, such as football, basketball, or baseball. Instead, attend competitions such as the shuffleboard championships or the chess tournament at the local senior center.

8) Whatever you do, watch absolutely NO television unless it's public television or donation campaigns....and by this time, even THAT will feel like entertainment!!

If even one person gained some time from this..... then glad I could help!! Yeah....I'm handy like that.... :-D

Mother-Tard of the Day

2009-05-10T17:57:00.002-04:00

Yeah...that'd be me....

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY...hope all the Moms out there had a well-deserved wonderful day!

I saw my kids yesterday, so for me today was R & R day, which I get very few of. It started out great...I slept in (and aren't THOSE the best days ever!), puttered around the place for a while, and decided today was a good day to do the week's grocery shopping rather than fitting it in after work one evening.

So, I took the time to take note of what was actually needed instead of guessing by memory (for those of you who don't already know...my memory sucks huge)...made a list, and got my coupons together (I'm NEVER this organized). I even remembered to take the handy-dandy handled tote bags with me....and then headed to the store. Even on Sunday Mother's Day, the store was packed, like usual. But I managed to find everything without a hitch...and then some...

I proceeded to the checkout and for once didn't have to wait in a long line -- cool. So, I'm handing over my coupons and getting out my checkbook when...Horror of horrors!... NO checks! Just great!....and me without my bank card (that's a whole different story). So I say, "Aw hell!" and show her the empty checkbook... I asked if they could just hold my stuff for five minutes while I run home to get the checks, basically across the street, and I'd be RIGHT BACK. Sure, she replied, with a smile.

THEN the fun began.... First she says into the store's loudspeaker, "Red Vest to aisle 7, Red Vest to aisle 7." (Holy shit, it sounded like the British were coming!) A siren goes off that sounds like the sinking of a battleship (vip! vviipp!! VVVVIIIPPP!!!), and all the while the baggers are running around confiscating my cart and whisking it off to parts unknown....and I do believe the fire station alarms were going off too (geez, forget one little thing)... or might as well have been for all the attention I was drawing. Yeah, THIS was how I wanted today to go.... So, I proceed out to the car followed by store security.... and fully expecting to have a police escort ready and waiting to accompany me home and back... but after inspecting the area, none were in sight... this city DID recently cut back on the police...

So, about 8 minutes later, I arrive back at the store and proceeded to register 7 to have her pull up my "ring out" and let me pay and get outta there....but I'm told that -- No, she can't just pull it back up, everything has to be scanned all over again. Well, isn't THAT just great. So, she calls bagger Matt to go retrieve my cart...which must've been shipped over the state line and back because it took longer to get the cart than it did for me to run home and back... Oh yeah, the people in line behind me by now were really lovin' me too...

Two years -- or 10 minutes later -- when the cart finally arrived, and everything was dis-carted, re-scanned, and re-bagged, I write the check...... FOR THE WRONG AMOUNT!! Yep, I did... my turn to be tard of the day!!.... and I was roaming amongst you.... I actually think it was all the stress of having to put on that "I'm sorry" smile so often to the people in line behind me....

Anyway, I knew then that I had to just go home and stay there... where no one else had to be a party to my obviously blunder-filled day... Hey, at least I had beer...... and chips.... AND TP, which I need to take to work with me tomorrow!! (that'd be per my last post)

So, here's hoping you had a better Mother's Day than mine was......I'm Just Sayin... ;)

The Perfect End to Another Messed Up Work Week

2009-05-08T15:55:00.009-04:00

More brilliant ideas!!

Due to the economic downturn, the huge budget deficit in the city where I live, and the 13% unemployment here... the all-wise elected ones have once again failed to make financially smart decisions...ya know, roadside flowers and pools are DEFINITELY a necessity, while losing 150 police officers is no reason for concern.....

One Commissioner commented, "During these tough economic times, it is important that the public know we are not wasting taxpayer dollars on what some may call essential supplies. There are plenty of substitutes for ... toilet paper, for example... such as: parking tickets, pay stubs, tree leaves, corn cobs, and that huge pile of papers waiting to be shredded. It's time for County employees to quit whining and get creative."

Anyway, one of the ways the Commissioners have decided to cut back is by buying toilet paper glued so well that it only comes off the roll in tiny pieces. The Commissioners feel this move will not only preserve the County's supply of toilet paper, but also save thousands of dollars for the County.

Looks like now it'll be BYOTP to work every day for me....but I'll be sure to inform my co-workers about just how to make due with only those little pieces -- thanks to Spaz!

Thank God it's Friday!!

Random Silliness.... Sing It!!!!

2009-05-07T21:27:00.002-04:00

The Beverly Hill Bobbits
(to the tune of Beverly Hillbillies)

Come listen to a story 'bout a man named John
A poor ex-Marine with his poor wanker gone
It seems one night after getting with the wife
She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife

Penis that is....

Clean cut...

Missed his nuts...

Well the next thing ya know, there's a Ginsue by his side
And Lorena's in the car takin Willie for a ride
She soon got tired of her purple headed friend
Tossed him out the window as she went around the bend

Curve that is.....

Tossed the nub......

In the shrub......

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack
They called out the hounds just to get his weenie back
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there"
To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air

Found that is......

By a fence....

Evidence.....

Now Peter and John couldn't stay apart for long
So a dick doc said, hey I can fix that dong
"A needle and thread is all we're gonna need,"
And the whole world waited 'til they heard that Jonnie pee'd

Whizzed that is....

Straight stream....

Even seam.....

Well, he healed and he hardened and he took his case to Court
With a half-assed lawyer 'cause his assets came up short
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape

Video that is.....

Exposed....

Case closed!!

Y'all sleep on your stomach's now, ya hear........ :-P

Seis de Mayo - Winky

2009-05-06T14:52:00.002-04:00

An Open Letter to My Birthday...

Birthday, why did you pick May 6, the day after Cinco de Mayo? Don't you know that inspires the practical jokers? Or was that your devious plan all along..... I really don't appreciate that, Birthday.... I just wanted you to know...

Yes, another unwanted birthday has hunted me down. My co-workers and so-called "friends" decided to honor my over-the-hill status with some of the following things:

First, a sombrero hat to be worn while opening my "gifts."
(Wow, now I feel really special)

A card from the gang with the following message:

Happy Birthday! You're Forty-Five?
Damn, you got old!
It's a wonder you're still alive!

Along with such gifts as:

1 lone bottle of Corona (leftover from one of yesterday's six packs)
garnished with a half-eaten lime
(gee, thanks guys)

Half an order of soggy Nachos (leftover of course...yeah, it was lunch time -- YUCK)

And.....last but not least...
One single Marraca (because they lost the other one yesterday at their party)

Thanks guys, you REALLY shouldn't have.... I really mean that...
You know what they say about paybacks..... you've provided me with the perfect tool to annoy you with for the upcoming year...

Ya know.....with friends like these, it's no wonder I'd rather blog...

My Morning Nightmare

2009-05-06T09:37:00.002-04:00

Enter: Woodpecker

This morning I had one outside my window
5:30 a.m. this bird is plugging away at a nearby tree
Wow!! I never knew they were so LOUD!
From a sound sleep, being continually woke into semi-consciousness..
It evokes some really odd and disturbing dreams....
....Like Quoth the Raven...
I kept wondering if it was my alarm
BOOM!
Now I'm sitting straight up...I'm awake!!
....silence....
Ahhhhh....thank you, neighbor
I'm pretty sure he just scared it away....

Blast From the Past

2009-05-06T00:15:00.002-04:00

For my friend, Phillipia:

You asked for a Poetry Wednesday..... I have plenty......

I shall write for you a poem,
no better or no worse,
than are those poems of other men
who write in metered verse.

But in my words you'll hear my heart,
its beat in steady pace,
you'll sense my soul and inner self,
see glimpses of my face.

My spirit soars with pen in hand,
my thoughts then framed in ink,
you'll find my passions and desires,
you'll see just how I think.

And on this page I give to you
you'll find my heart and soul,
one moment I'll be scattered,
then next you'll find me whole.

For in my verse I find my voice
and you might hear it too,
on paper I complete myself,
and bare my soul to you.

You'll learn my fantasies and more,
my sorrow and my joy,
you'll sit beside the aging man,
and play beside the boy.

Only for you, Chica...... Enjoy........

American's Know How to Party!!

2009-05-05T16:21:00.003-04:00

Did you know that Cinco de Mayo celebrations are bigger in the U.S. than in Mexico? It's true.

May 5 is Cinco de Mayo in Spanish, commonly seen as a celebration of Mexican culture, heritage, and pride. But Latino Americans say it's a very misunderstood celebration here in the States. For starters, it's not Mexican Independence Day.

Cinco de Mayo commemorates the victory of the Mexican army over the French at the Battle of Puebla on May 5th, 1862. Mexican Independence Day is actually September 16.

Reportedly, the "celebration" of Cinco de Mayo is largely the result of promotions in the U.S. by liquor and beer companies, bars, and restaurants since the 1980's.
http://www.wwl.com/pages/4332826.php

Well, it's long been said that we Americans do know how to party it up, and hey...whether we got it right or not, we never pass up an opportunity to have a good time!!

C-I-N-C-O
C-I-N-C-O
C-I-N-C-O
AND PARTY WAS THE NAME-O

B-I-N-Ge-O
B-I-N-Ge-O
B-I-N-Ge-O
BARELY MADE IT TO THE ...
S-I-N-K-O

And we'll do it all over again next year!!

......I'm Just Sayin..... :-P

Picture provided by Gringo's Mexican Holiday

How Was I Supposed to Know??

2009-05-03T20:21:00.002-04:00

Friday Night Meds??? ... Er.....

2009-05-01T19:59:00.003-04:00

Okay, between my own anti-flu regimen, and my Irish doctor's advice, I've been pouring it on heavy this Friday evening... and even at this early hour, I'm fending off the likes of THISSSSS..... Thanks a lot y'all!!!!

Girl, the food was great, the company was even better
Why sit here all night long going on about the weather?
I know it's our first date and good girls gotta wait
But I just turned 78, and you said you're days from 45!! That's just great!

The moon is full; you know what I'm thinking...
Let's make love, I'm gettin old and I'm shrinking...
The hour is late, let's just do it...
On our first date.....

Unhook your girdle, take off your face
Let's crawl into bed and cut to the chase
It'll be just great, let's do it.....
On our first date......

I took Viagra an hour ago, I'll put my teeth in a jar by the bed
Looky here who's poking out and waking from the dead!!
I want you right now, so don't give me no lip...
It's too late for the hymen, but we might break my hip!
The hour is late, let's just do it......
On our first date......

We're too old to be worrying 'bout moving so fast
So, since I'm wearing Depends, just hose off my ass!
I may have Alzheimer's and repeat myself
I may have Alzheimer's and repeat myself....
Good girls wait, old broads swing...
You can take off your clothes 'cause I can't see a thing
The hour is late, let's do it....
On our first date.......

I may have Alzheimer's and repeat myself
I may have Alzheimer's and repeat myself......
On our first date...........

(shout out to the best morning show ever for this one!!!)

Ever Had a Bad Day??

2009-04-30T22:57:00.003-04:00

*I* had one of those today!!! Don't ask, don't tell, but trust me.....it was NOT fun!! I'm the little peon in the little boat about to get capsized by the giant whale..... yep, that about sums up MY Thursday....... Damn, I hope tomorrow's better.....

Who? Me?? WOW!!!

2009-04-29T17:57:00.002-04:00

Today started out as just another Wednesday...but then something really fun happened! I was accepted into Humor Bloggers Dot Com!! I KNOW!! How COOL is that?!! I gotta tell ya, this is no little thing...I mean this is a group of some of the funniest, slightly twisted individuals ever... (I don't know about how funny, but otherwise I fit right in...) So, if you're reading this and have never checked out Humor Bloggers, you're in for a treat...just click the link to your top right.....yeah, right up there...

Anyway, I am truly humbled and honored to be a member of this totally innocuous-free, fun, and totally loveable group of hot-air ramblers and bulloney speakers...... Yeah, that about sums myself up pretty accurately....

Soooooooo, maybe I haven't completely lost my sense of humor after all...

NOW the pressure's on............

(all encouragement is welcome, needed, and appreciated)

Headlines of the Week

2009-04-27T15:57:00.004-04:00

Man Sets House on Fire while Trying to Kill a Spider with a Lighter
....yes this really happened...yet another example of my right to use the term fucktard....
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/5229458/Man-set-house-on-fire-while-trying-to-kill-a-spider-with-a-lighter.html

Dying is No Reason to Give up Online Social Life
....this for my fellow bloggers...
http://www.mddailyrecord.com/article.cfm?id=155339&type=Daily

'Felony Franks' Hot Dog Stand Hires Convicts, Angers Chicago Alderman
..."Home of the Misdemeanor Wiener," with burglar beef and chain gang chili dogs...*I'd* eat there...
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,517911,00.html

THIS one......... is strictly for my own entertainment....

Accessories for My Swine Flu Regimen

2009-04-27T15:19:00.003-04:00

If you’re considering following my regimen for warding off the Swine Flu, you might find these accessories helpful. I cannot advocate drinking and driving, however, so you might want to consider getting yourself a bus pass........I’m Just Sayin... :-P

NOW...it's the Swine Flu

2009-04-25T18:57:00.002-04:00

The variations of certain destruction are never ending, no ? Anyway, here are some suggestions my doctor told me about avoiding the dreaded viruses:

First of all, there's the usual....
Eat right, get fruits and veggies,
Get your flu shot if one's available,
Vitamins
Exercise
Fresh Air
Reduce Stress
...and wash your hands often....

But the biggest thing..... is to take the doctor's approach..I mean think about it!!

When you go for a shot, what do they do first? They clean your arm with alcohol! Why? Because alcohol kills germs, silly!!

Soooo....... my personal regimine includes ALL of the above!!

I walk to the liquor store ... exercise!!
I put lime in my Corona ... Fruit!!
I love celery in my Bloody Mary ... Veggies!!
I drink outside on the patio ... Fresh Air!!
I love to tell jokes, laugh, and read Humor Bloggers ... Eliminates Stress!!
Then, inevitably I pass out ... Rest!!

The way I see it? If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!!

........Hey...a shot in the glass...is better than one in the ass!!....I'm Just Sayin..... :-P

Beans, Beans...the Musical Fruit....

2009-04-23T19:09:00.002-04:00

Root-a toot toot toot.....

Choosing bean with bacon soup as your late evening dinner
will allow you to have your very own exclusive elevator story to tell ...OR SO I'VE BEEN TOLD...

Rrrrooo roo rooty toot toot tootie...

......I'm Just Sayin.... :-P

Sooo, Naked Anyone??

2009-04-22T19:54:00.005-04:00

Family heirlooms of naked gnomes have been outlawed in Brittain....

Now, my great aunt is trying to pass her naked gnomes off on ME!!!

Given to her by my great nana. They carried a curse. Display in the garden or 20 years of no sex.....

Well, she proudly displayed them over the years.... but recently, Brittain has decided they do not want them naked-ing up their neighborhoods....

In a panic, my aunt sent them to me!!! NOOOOO.... Now, the curse is MINE to deal with....I don't even have a garden!! Anyone willing to take on the naked gnomes and their curse? This is really gonna kill my love life....... anyone?

A Little Something for the Guyyyyyssss

2009-04-22T19:37:00.003-04:00

Oh, you may wonder why
I seem nervous and ashamed
And why I have a ruptured spleen
And you may wonder why
There's a big black ring around my eye

I've been seeing another woman, and she's mean
But I love that woman
With the crazy eyes
I love the cute way she throws a shoe
I love the way she chases me around with that big knife

My little angel,
I love...hormonal you
Hormonal you
Hormonal you

My little angel can pick a fight over a box of Capt Crunch
She can make Ghandi throw the first punch
But I still love, hormonal you

"I'm going to hit you!"
She has a way with words
Most of which you can't say on the radio
But she's "not feeling well"
She's distraught, and cranky, and irratable, and paranoid and delusional.

She doesn't know what's wrong!!
But she knows it's my fault!

Hormonal you
Hormonal you

Why don't you have a nice glass of wine
Ok, better make it two
It's perfectly natural, my little angel
To cry about shampoo
Oh, darling I love, hormonal you

Having a converstaion with her
is like playing a game of chess
Usually it's best not to speak at all
She just wants to hear those three little words
"Darling, you're right"
Just give her your wallet and send her to the mall

Hormonal you
Hormonal you

She's the other woman right there in the mirror
Don't worry, it's not physical
She won't let me near her
But I still love, hormonal you

.....;)...... :-P

Non Sequitor??

2009-04-20T21:15:00.002-04:00

In my never to be humbled opinion:

1. I believe that even in traffic there are some things that should be left up to common sense. OBVIOUSLY, if you are in the midst of moving traffic, and you want to turn in either direction, you put the turn signal on. This would be to notify not only the cars behind you, but the ones coming in the other direction or waiting to pull out what your intentions of turning are. I also believe, however, that if you are stopped at a red light -- IN THE LEFT TURN LANE -- it should be OBVIOUS to every driver around you that you are intending to TURN when the light changes.........Therefore, you should never get a ticket for this.

2. I believe that personal freedom should come into play when driving or riding in YOUR OWN VEHICLE. I'm talking about seat belts. OBVIOUSLY, the seat belt laws for children are valid because why should kids have to pay for the stupidity of the adult they're riding with. However, if you are an adult driving or riding in a personally owned vehicle, you should have the OPTION of whether you want the seat belt strap pinching your boobies every time you get behind the wheel........ Therefore, you should never get a ticket for this (but then how would the city raise revenues......OH, I remember, traffic cams!!!)...... then again ---- you can't discount boobies

...guys do love boobies.....Okay....... I'm Just Sayin!!........geez!! :-P

Top 10 Worst Places to Have Sex!

2009-04-19T19:51:00.003-04:00

10: IN COURT: Like most men, Donald Thompson, had needs; itches that had to be scratched without delay. UNlike most men, Donald Thompson was also a Judge. And, UNlike most Judges (hopefully), Donald liked to sit behind the bench and jam his unit into a penis pump to go to town while presiding over cases. (OMG!!)

9: IN CHURCH: Sometimes people get infused with the Holy Spirit and feel moved to praise the Lord in church. Other times, people hop in the confessional and defile one another in a host of unseemly and sticky ways. It is not our place to question the Lord. In Cesena, Italy, during morning mass, a couple in their early 30's was lodged in a confessional booth when other people at church became aware of an off-putting "rustling and groaning" coming from the booth. (geez) The local parish priest called the incident "an outrage of notable proportions which bespeaks unutterable squalor!" (which is Christian for fucktarded!!)

8: ON A COP CAR: There are various levels of daring when it comes to sex in public. It's most adventurous when a couple decides to copulate on the hood of a cop car!!!!! That has cops IN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A couple of randy dutch folk decided the hood of a car was a good place to "go to town," and say they didn't notice the two cops still in the car at the time. The cops got out of their car and demonstrated from Dutch justice by politely asking the couple to stop and go somewhere else, as the law doesn't specifically prohibit people from having sex on top of a cop car. However, the law DOES state that police officers need to be available for duty!!!!

7: IN THE COCKPIT: The fact that the PILOT was the one having the sex probably greatly contributed to the problem, but ever since they installed those new security doors, how do any of us know what the pilot is up to in the cockpit? (It's called the cockpit for Pete's sake!!!) The result of this is clear: While joining the mile high club may be fun, if you're in charge of keeping the whole boat a mile high, you are excluded!!!

6: AT SCHOOL: It's a sad state of affairs that teachers having sex with students is about as common as baseball players using steroids or internet comedy writers going to sleep cold and alone. However, we can chalk that up to folks who are a few nuggets short of a happy meal. When two teachers get together at school, under a security camera, and have sex, that's just plain stupid. Leroy Coleman, Principal of Sandridge Elementary School, decided that goin a few rounds with a teacher at his school in his office would be a grand idea and thus ran through the standard porno line up of positions. Even though he was married, he did this several times, and with different women, because the position of "school principal" is evidently kryptonite to all women!! (But DUDE!! turn off your office cam!!)

5: AT WORK: One night in England, a Polish contractor working late on a children's hospital decided that the stress of the day and/or the hotness of an electronic suction device with a cartoon smile on it was too much to resist and got down on his hands and knees to make Henry (the poor bastard vacuum's name) a man. A passing security guard saw the man defiling the machine and requested that he clean himself and the Hoover up before leaving the premises. In fairness, Henry was totally asking for it!!! (OMG, now I've heard it all!!)

4: ON A CRANE: Have you ever stared at a construction crane and thought to yourself..."man, I'd like to have me some sex on that?" Congratulations!! You're just like Justin Dunn and Nicole Albert!!! A couple from Florida who climed up on a crane, in the middle of the day, to bump uglies...... Several witnesses, after squinting to ensure they were seeing what they thought they were seeing, called police, who arrived and had to use a public address system to talk the couple down. (Damn, guess they didn't wanna climb all the way up and risk high altitude bodily fluids splatting them in the eyes!!!.....)

3: AT A DRIVE-THRU: As should be obvious to everyone...Arby's is the sexiest of all fast food places...sexier than BK or Taco Bell. SO sexy in fact, that a myriad of customers have been unable to control themselves and just had to let their own curly fry flop out so they could smack it around some..... Kenneth Michael Dobbs got the Arby's urge in Decatur and went through the drive-thru butt-ass naked with one hand working his crank and then returned a couple of days later to do the exact same thing...... (because Arby-Q's are a twice a week obsession don'tcha know) ...Fortunately, a police officer parked nearby noticed the curious lack of clothing and pulled the man over.... ALTHOUGH...this has also happened in Tennessee and other places at other fast food restaurants....they just couldn't seem to pull it off before being caught....... (geez, pervs)

2: JAIL Prison sex tends to evoke a number of unfortunate images that are best left unexplored at this point.....so we won't even mentin that.... What we ARE talking about is something like what happened to public defender Theresa Olson when she took it upon herself to give her client a ride in a jail conference room. Though TV has them prone to fits of sexiness all the time, you're still in the midst of a murder trial with a man accused of beating his parents and sister to death ....might be time to reassess the situation!!!!

1: TRAIN TRACKS: Though it should go without saying that having sex in the path of a fast moving super heavy chunk of iron steel and pain is a BAD IDEA, we'll say it anyway: Having sex on train tracks is a BAD IDEA!!! IN FACT, of all the places one could have sex, few have worse potential consequences for the couple involved with the possible exception of inside volcanoes, on the back of a bull, or at a communal shower in an old folks home.....Nonetheless, a couple in South Africa were getting busy on the tracks, deciding that humping out in lion country or in a parasite-filled pool was too boring for them....the evening ended poorly when a train pulled into the station where they were......Trains -- being rather hard to stop, aren't good at bobbin and weaving around sweaty bodies in their path!! (...THAT's why it's 1!!!)

.........Geeeeez...takes all kinds doesn't it? .......I'm Just Sayin........

Oohhhh to be a kid again!

2009-04-17T21:02:00.002-04:00

My oldest grandbaby turned 8 last week. (in direct disobedience to my telling her she wasn't allowed to get any older btw.) Can you remember......when the most perfect day was your birthday... Because the entire world as you know it literally revolves around the fact that you exist.......and that people love you!

You get to pick a "theme," and someone runs with it. If nothing else, someone tries to make sure you get that kind of a cake. This year since her birthday fell the same weekend they were moving, the theme was a little more generic, but her other grandma always makes a mean cake!

But on your actual birthday, and the day of your party, the entire day lasts forever. You spend endless hours picking up the house, cleaning your room....and minutes feel like hours.......oh the drudgery! (Luckily for her this year with the move, her party this year was at her grandma's house...thanks Grandma!) FINALLY, the time comes....when someone gets there...... woo hoo.... Thing is, you can't really have fun yet...Now it's yet another wait fest..... until everyone is done eating...yeesh... You keep asking if people are done eating yet....but no, it's not time yet. At least we can play outside for a while....is it time yet? Not yet..... sigh. NOW??

THEN....finally...the coveted moment finally arrives!!!! OH YEAH....WOO HOO!!! It's FINALLY time to open the gifts!!!!! The ultimate moment you've been waiting for. Christmas just might be the best.....but today... it's all about me baby!!

It just doesn't get better than that. Can you remember the day when your ultimate wish list was actually able to be fulfilled??? Damn, it's been a long time....but it is possible during those long lost childhood days of yore.......Lots of clothes this year, but girls love clothes...some things to play with...and WOW!....a new bike!!!! ...NICE.... Thanks everyone for all the cool stuff! Sorry I didn't pay much attention to who gave me what...and that I saved all the cards for mom to read later.... but I did say thanks!! Now.....come on everybody...let's play 'til cake time!!!

Wouldn't it be wonderful to be a kid again........I'm Just Saying..........

Unemployed?

2009-04-17T15:13:00.003-04:00

If you're looking for employment, a crucial thing to keep in mind is to differentiate yourself from your competitors...you know, like how much more efficienty you would do the job.....and then apply here:

It's Not About Looks Stupid!!

2009-04-16T19:51:00.006-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxPZh4AnWyk

I'm new at some of this stuff, including adding a youtube link.... Hope this goes through. I found this SO inspiring....... Soooooo, age and looks are not the whole picture... Everyone's probably already seen this, but I saw it for the first time today... how awesome is this.....

This woman SERIOUSLY needs to be singing SOMEWHERE... what an inspiration!!! She definitely has SPUNK!!!! Gotta LOVE a woman with that!!! Especially those who have what it takes to back it up..... and she definitely does!!!

WTF??

2009-04-16T15:57:00.002-04:00

I've seen this before....anyone have any idea what that is??? Looks like a dog walking on hind legs, but how many dogs go around like that???

I Had An ADD-Type of Day!!

2009-04-15T19:18:00.006-04:00

Oh, it's the lastest thing

It's coming soon everywhere

If you do not have it

Then you are completely square

Anyone can get it

and it's absolutley free

It's fun for you and fun for me

And they call it ADD

ADD, you got to love it

Everybody has a little of it

It doesn't mean you're a bad person

But it might be bad if you're a surgeon!

"I am now opening the abdominal cavity.

I think I have a cavity.

My tooth is killing me.

My cousin's a dentist.

He's a vegatarian.

I like asparagus.

Sometimes it makes my pee smell funny, though.

Why am I holding a liver??"...ADD

ADD, It is nothing to lament

Unless you are the president!

"My fellow Americans,

The Japanese have attacked Pearl Harbor.

I have an aunt named Pearl.

She bought me comic books.

I like Batman.

His car shot flames. I like flames.

I got scalded by hot water when I was 5.

My brother can swallow a tennis ball."....ADD

ADD, It's as easy as 1, 2....

Hey, look, there's a pigeon!

Oh, it's fun, no matter where you're at

Unless of course, if you're in the sack!

"Oh, yeah, who's your daddy?

I should call my dad.

It's his birthday next week.

He used to take me fishing.

I love fish. Fish and chips!

ADD, ADD, you got to love it.

Everybody has.....do you smell bacon???

Lessons From Mom Part II

2009-04-13T18:25:00.002-04:00

I lost my mother to cancer when she was 52, and I was 31..... I felt robbed of the friendship we could have had.... but, you cannot deny the lessons learned..............

My mother taught me about SEX... "How do you think you got here?"

My mother taught me about GENETICS... "You're just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE... "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING... "You're gonna get it when we get home."

And my all time favorite thing --- JUSTICE....

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU...then you'll see what it's like."

I know I've passed THAT one on....... lol........ but I love each and every one........
.......Thanks Mom :-P Miss you and Love you soooo much!!!!!!!!

Poetry Monday

2009-04-13T10:47:00.004-04:00

For online daters...

I saw you as words on a screen
Letters cascading emotions through me
Grins and smiles fill me
Depths of feelings confuse me

Dancing together on a keyboard of wonder
Drifting within air bound castles
I loved you as if you stood beside me
I've held you tighter than a dream

Reaching through I take your hand
But you are gone
Were you no more than a dream?
You are as the mist...
Too risky to be hurt...

Surprise....I was real
I loved you...

But now I am gone...

Lessons from Mom

2009-04-12T18:32:00.002-04:00

Getting together with family always takes me back to those wonder-filled years growing up... Here are a few things I learned from my Mom:

My mother taught me CONSIDERATION FOR OTHERS... "I just scrubbed that floor. Go outside and bleed in the entry!"

My mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My mother taught me MEDICINE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My mother taught me to THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on, don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

......Thanks mom....I grew up even though Fido ate most of my veggies....I'm Just Sayin.........

2009-04-10T18:26:00.000-04:00

Good Friday Again Already???

2009-04-09T21:58:00.002-04:00

Far be it from me to make fun of something important and holy...... but -- I am not Catholic, and I understand EXACTLY who my Savior is........ I am not bound by guilt...therefore, I've always wondered............

Good Friday!! Yeah.... yay? no? WHAT??? Well, they always SAY it's GOOD Friday....

I think.... "Good" Friday could be even Gooder... (knowing the end of the story).... if we celebrated it with GOOD HUMOR!!!!!

You know........... ice cream!!!

1: The name Good is always there!!

2: Ice cream has NO meat!!! woo hoo!!! We can indulge!!

3: Since some of you have been fasting one way or another, Good Friday Good Humor Day is a great way to usher in Easter........ the day when you can actually finally indulge yourself and once again enjoy whatever you've been denying yourself.....Pork (THAT'S why we have ham on Easter), Sweets (Aahhhh.... that explains the Easter morning candy shower)....my grandma used to give up potato chips...whatever you like best...............

As for me? It's Good Friday.... because it's sooooo good to see my old friends again... Jack, Jose, Old Grandad, and my best Bud..Light!! Yep, it's all GOOOOD!!

....:-P.....

Wanna Really Piss Off Your Woman?.....

2009-04-08T21:02:00.004-04:00

Top 10 things you should never say to a woman during an argument:

10. Don't you have some laundry to do or something? (OH, you mean like your streaked underwear?)

9. Ohhh, you're so cute when you get all pissed off. (Yeah, try taking that one to bed with ya!)

8. You're just upset because your butt is beginning to spread. (Yep, and your head has no hair!)

7. Wait a minute...I get it... what time of the month is it? (Them's fightin words..)

6. You sure you don't want to consult the Great Oprah on this one? (Oprah who?... Harpo? Isn't he gone??? Forget Oprah)

5. Sorry, I was just picturing you naked. (Hmmm....I know you're lying....but go on...)

4. Whoa, time out honey. Football is on. (Personally, I don't have a problem with this, that's when I can talk to my online boyfriends...)

3. Looks like someone had an extra bowl of Bitch Flakes this morning. (Yep, they're called Pay Backs ARE a Bitch!!....silly wabbit!)

2. Is there any way we can do this via e-mail? (Nope.....text me...then I can NOT care as much as you do)

....and the number one thing you should never say to a woman during an argument..........

1. Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded. (Make my day mo-fo...)

........Ok............. I'm just saying!!

Outta Control Economy Get To Your Family Yet?

2009-04-07T19:03:00.003-04:00

Ever Wonder Why Dogs Sniff Each Other??

2009-04-06T22:51:00.004-04:00

The dogs, they had a party.
They came from near and far.
And some dogs came by taxi.
And some dogs came by car.

And each dog signed his name
All in a little book.
And each dog hung his asshole
Upon the nearest hook.

One dog was not invited
And this arose his ire
He stormed into the party
And loudly shouted "Fire!

"The dogs got so excited
They did not stop to look
And grabbed the nearest asshole
From off the nearest hook.

This is a very sad story
For it is very sore
To wear another's asshole
You've never worn before

And this is why, when dogs meet
On land, or air, or foam
They smell each other's assholes
In hopes it is their own.......

.....What? It had to be said.......

Random Silliness

2009-04-06T20:51:00.001-04:00

WORD SCRAMBLE:

BRITENY SPRAES

Were you thinking Britney Spears?

Think again............

PRESBYTERIANS.........

.......it works... yep, it does... check it out ......I'm just sayin.................. :-P

Random Ponderings

2009-04-05T21:03:00.001-04:00

*If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

*Is it ok to use the AM radio after noon?

*What do you call a male lady bug?

*When a dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it.

*Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

*Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

*Why are there floatation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?

*Have you ever imagined the world without hypothectical situations?

.......Hey!!.....I'm just sayin..... :-P

Menu: Instruction Manual...With a Side of Duh!

2009-04-05T16:02:00.002-04:00

Yep, they dwell among us..... These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu Dessert: (printed on bottom of the box):
Do Not Turn Upside Down. (Oops, too late!! Sucks to be you!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.....OW OW OW OH SHIT!!)

On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(Awwww, come on, wouldn't that save time?)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to.....use in outer space??)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Okay, now I'm just curious....anybody??)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.
(Somebody got paid big bucks to write this one.... )

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Geez, Raise your hand if you've tried this!!... )

.... :-P

A Day in the Life....

2009-04-03T19:34:00.001-04:00

Okay, it's Friday...... I'm feelin just a little....fun!!!

THE LIFE OF A VAGINA:

> My hair is a mess
> My relatives are lippy
> My neighbor is an ass
> My best friend is a dick
> And my owner keeps giving me the finger!

.....OY.....

Non Sequitur? One of My Mini-Rants...

2009-04-02T19:58:00.003-04:00

In My Never To Be Humble Opinion:

I work in downtown Toledo. Since I am NOT a Judge, Magistrate, or Social Worker (who qualify for free parking), but clerical staff (I earn much less, so therefore, I must be punished by paying to work there).....THUS qualifying me for one of the lower paying peon positions.... I have earned the dubioius distinction of qualifying to have to pay for my own damn parking!!! A couple years ago when I was having a really difficult time financially, it came to the place where I just could not sustain the $40 a month for parking fees (owned by the "county" I work for btw, but that's something for another time)... Anyway, I've been parking at the meters all this time, with okay success... I mean, $40 a month versus an occasional $10 ticket if you can't get to the meter, or they're particularly timely.... worth a try........ HOWEVER.... this year, with the budget trouble, and economic instability.....OMG!!!!! I think they've hired people to canvass for 100% perfection......and they're JUMPING on overticketing -- they even decided they can ticket a car more than one time in a day.........

I believe that if Toledo wants to attract people back into the downtown area, THERE MUST BE FREE PARKING!!! That's numero uno. The Mudhens field has attracted some business; however, those who try visiting some of the downtown businesses, such as the new (and wonderful) Pizza Papalis....have found that by give places like this their business, they are highly subject to being ticketed for parking.... Secondly, since people love malls so much, and/or discount store shopping, maybe something like that ought to be considered rather than the brilliant idea of having upscale shopping stores in an area of town most people consider NOT so upscale, especially those who ARE upscale (does that make any sense?) In any event, even if they're gonna stick to the Jail and Courthouses in the downtown area, there is still NO earthly reason anyone should have to pay to park on a public street -- I mean, I pay my taxes like everyone else...wtf......... Where else in the city do you have to pay to park, I ask you?

We unsuspecting citizens, who are going about our own business get notices in the mail to report for jury duty. To do this, you have to miss a day of work, drive our happy ass downtown, SEARCH and maneuver around other drivers for a parking spot, only to find out you have to walk three blocks and parking will cost you at least $3.00. So, by now it has cost you, everyday Joe, a day's pay, gas to drive downtown, $3.00 minimum to park....and if you don't get released from duty by Noon, you now have to buy yourself some lunch. So, let's see..... you get paid $10.00 for serving your community...and maybe your workplace will pay you for your missed work day since it was a civic duty (long as you turn in that damned $10).... and Hey! you would have had to drive yourself to work anyway, right? BUT you still had to pay to park your damn car on a public road!!!!! Since I work downtown, I have a personal interest in this issue, (I got *3* F****** tickets just this week).... and I believe it is simply UnAmerican to have to pay to park on a public street..........Therefore, no one should ever get a ticket for this.

I realize that under the current economic situation (do not even get me started on THAT!!), that this problem is not about to go away any time soon............ but it's soooooooooo punitive.... and for NO reason except for the purposes of collecting more undeserved taxation to fund the mis-spending of those who do not have a clue but are running the city!!! OUTRAGEOUS!!! (check out Take Back Toledo)

..... I could be wrong......But I don't think so......... :-P

Random Ponderings...

2009-03-31T19:58:00.000-04:00

Why must I always "concentrate" on the orange juice bottle?

If life gives you lemons, find an annoying kid with a paper cut

I'm not random, I just have many thoughts. Jealous, aren't you?
Guess What?...... Make's You Wonder Don't It?

I just got lost in thought........... It wasn't familiar territory.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
I don't have ADHD, I have ADOL....Attention Deficit Oh LOOK!!!!!!!!!

When I say LOL, I'm not laughing out loud. I have nothing better to say.
Yeah, we act like immature idiots. But at least we're having fun.....

.........had to be said....And I'm Sayin...... :-P

Come Fly With Me!!

2009-03-31T12:36:00.005-04:00

Hey Shawn, thanks for the idea!!

There are actually LOTS of patents and designs out there for flying cars. Some even say could be functional in the next year or two. However, most of them are extremely expensive and not practical for obvious reasons, like traffic laws....

I think if I were going to invent a flying car, it would have to include some spiffy gadgets, and of course be sporty. Aerial GPS would be a must, anti-traffic ticketing gizmo of some sort, crash-proof sensors, instant boost blast for racing and to assist the anti-ticketing gizmo, on-line visor, auto-pilot (for aerial blogging), auto-parking enablers fully equipped with "now at home for the evening" sensor capabilities ready to dispense the evening's catnip!

.....Hey, I like it!! Too bad I don't have a clue about it...but it's fun to imagine....

Got Toast?

2009-03-31T09:21:00.003-04:00

Did you know today is the 100th anniversary of the invention of the toaster?

Yep, it's true! Can you imagine the safety nightmare of using this contraption, invented before the invention of sliced bread, and having to turn the bread with your bare hands? Wow... all in all, the toaster is quite a handy little gadget, and every home has one! (www.telegraph.co.uk)

Gee, what can I invent?....nobody likes Mousy-on-a-stick!! ....I'm Just Sayin.....

One for the Guys!!

2009-03-30T23:25:00.004-04:00

Every day I give thanks to God
I was born a man instead of a broad
When "Oprah" comes on I turn off my TV
I don't shave my legs I stand up to pee

I go to a barber, not a beauty salon
I don't pluck out my eyebrows
Just to draw them back on
I don't wax my pubes just so I can wear shorts
I use my turn signal,
I understand sports!

Man I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't go through a phase
Every 28 days
Man, I'm glad I'm a man

I pay cash at the grocery
No checks or coupons
I don't take a friend when I go to the john
I don't throw a fit when I break a nail
I don't buy a lot of shoes just because they're on sale

I don't apply makeup in my rear view mirror
I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer
I drink beer from a bottle and not from a glass
I don't ask my friends about the size of my ass!

Man I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't face the pain
Of water weight gain

Man, I'm glad I'm a man
Let me tell you, ladies
Listen to me ladies

I love those things inside of your blouse
I love your pretty faces
Your warm and soft embraces
But if I had my own 2 boobs I'd never leave the house!

I don't spend 2 hours getting ready for a date
I don't play with dolls (unless they inflate)
When someone asks my age, I never lie
After sex in bed my spot's always dry!

I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines
I don't care if my dates try to get in my jeans
I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie
This is the same underwear I wore yesterday!

Man I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't take the PillI don't use Massengill
Man, I'm glad I'm a man

Man I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I find Michael BoltonCompletely revolting
Man, I'm glad I'm a man

.......and men DO love boobies!!....Oh lighten up, we're just having fun here....I'm just sayin..

WTF Did You Just Sing??

2009-03-30T20:32:00.003-04:00

Ever belted out a tune at the top of your lungs for everyone to hear..only to find out you were saying the wrong thing? We've all been there.....These are great!

Robert Palmer Addicted To Love:
Lyric: Might as well face it, you're addicted to love
Wrongly sang as: Might as well face it, you're a dick with a glove.
---------------
Creedence Clearwater Revival Bad Moon Rising
Lyric: There's a bad moon on the rise
Wrongly sang as: There's a bathroom on the right
There's a baboon on the right
--------------------
Lyric: "Little Deuce Coupe"
Wrongly sang as: Little Goose Poop
She's my little doo scoop
Little boot scoop
She's my little loose cooch (OMG!)
Little Loose Goose

And if that aint enough to make you flip your lid -- Theres one more thing, I got the Big Slip daddy (pink slip daddy) haha
----------------
Eagles: Take it to the Limit
Lyric: Can't find the door, can't find it anywhere
Wrongly sang as:
Can't find the door, can't find my underwear
Lyric: Take it to the limit one more time
Wrongly sang as: Bake it with some lemon one more time
----------------
Journey: Lovin touchin squeezin
Lyric: You make me weak
Wrongly sang as: You make me wheeze
Lyric: You make me weep and wanna die
Wrongly sang as: You make me eat I'm on a diet

Jimmie Buffet: Margaritaville
Lyric: There's booze in the blender
Wrongly sang as: There's boobs in the blender
(you know this was a guy..... they love boobies, but *blend* them??)

Lyric: Stepped on a pop top
Wrongly sang as: Stepped on a pop tart
Stepped on a pork chop
Lyric: Searchin for my lost shaker of salt
Wrongly sang as: Searching for my log shaker and saw
Searching for my log shaken assault
Searching for my lost digger the dog
Lyric: Wastin away again in Margaritaville
Wrongly sang as: Wastin away again in my gorilla suit................
----------------
Lyric: Love and Devotion.....
The Bambi Botion

.....Geez...gotta love it!.....

What's the Difference?

2009-03-30T20:11:00.002-04:00

What's the difference between a thief and a politician?

A thief will rob you once and then be on his way.

A politician will rob you over and over again, and then stay in your face trying to convince you why you should appreciate that they did!!

Wow, here in Toledo, we're getting it from all levels...from the federal to the city...quick, someone remind me why I still live here!!!...Okay, I guess my job is the best reason, those are hard to come by these days.......I'm just sayin......... :-P

Truths that Stand the Test of Time

2009-03-29T18:35:00.004-04:00

You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
You cannot help small men by tearing down big men.
You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.
You cannot lift the wage earner by pulling down the wage payer.
You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than your income.
You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatreds.
You cannot establish security on borrowed money.
You cannot build character and courage by taking away a man's initiative and independence.
You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for themselves.
William J. H. Boetcker (1916)

......this holds 100% true today also. Too many things are being handled backasswards today....too damn bad for us, our children, our grandchildren, and our country........I'm Just Sayin.....

Roadside Stand

2009-03-29T18:06:00.002-04:00

*I* don't know why they aren't selling!!! They told me to set up a stand with something really affordable and scrumptious.....I DID that!!!

Fucktard Cops

2009-03-28T18:52:00.001-04:00

Jennifer Davis was stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic on Nov. 18, her contractions just 3 minutes apart. Her husband, John, was trying to appear calm for his wife's sake, driving in the breakdown lane of Route 2. They pulled up behind a state trooper to ask whether they could continue using the lane to reach the next exit, near Alewife Station.

Not only did the trooper say no, he gave them a $100 citation for driving in the breakdown lane, made them wait for their citation while he finished writing someone else's ticket, and even seemed to ask for proof of pregnancy, Jennifer Davis said.

"He said, 'What's under your jacket?' I said, 'My belly,' " Davis said. "He waited and gestured with his head like, 'OK, let's see it.' He waited for me to unzip my jacket. I mean, it was so clear that I was pregnant."

The Davises say the contretemps occurred after two other troopers they encountered had waved them along in the highway breakdown lane, allowing them to evade gridlock while advising them to be cautious and keep their hazard lights on.

While State Police spokesman David Procopio declined to comment on the merits of this stop, he noted that state law prohibits driving in breakdown lanes on Route 2. (THIS, my friends....is a fucktard!!! Green as they come...idiot)

Well, you'll be happy to know that Jennifer Davis was already deep into labor when they made it to the hospital, but it turns out they had time to spare. Charlotte Jane was born about five hours after their traffic stop, with a birth announcement that made the rounds of the maternity ward. (Boston.com)

This reminds me of the day that I had my mother in my car....coming from the hospital, where I was finally told specifically that my mother was imminently terminal with her cancer. She couldn't even sit upright in the seat, but was hunched forward, which was her most comfortable position. I had to get her back home and call Hospice immediately. She was OBVIOUSLY "out of it"...and I was obviously shaken. I got pulled over outside of a high school by an officer who, after having been briefed on the situation by my uncle, who was following me, still continued to lecture me on the dangerousness of driving the actual speed limit outside of a high school.... geez...

1) if you're in high school and still haven't learned how to keep from avoiding an oncoming car, you just might need some special ed.... 2) if this asshole had one iota of decency, he would have grasped the seriousness of the situation and at least passed on the lecture....

I LOVE the police. I wouldn't want to live in a city without them..... but we can all do without the Fucktard Cops!!!....I'm Just Sayin.......

Who's Your Role Model?

2009-03-25T19:20:00.002-04:00

As far as role models go, sometimes we need to assess ourselves a little to figure it out.
Below is a little test to help you discover just that. No cheating allowed!

First: Pick your favorite number between 1-9.
Multiply by 3
Add 3
Multiply by 3. Hopefully you have a 2 or 3 digit .
Add the digits together.
Now with that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the following list...

1: Einstein
2: Nelson Mandela
3: George Washington
4: Tom Cruise
5: Bill Gates
6: Gandhi
7: Brad Pitt
8: Hitler
9: Winky Twinky

.......I'm Just Sayin!!!.....So why fight it??..... :-P

Why I Don't Go To Bars

2009-03-24T19:12:00.001-04:00

Went out with a couple of girlfriends last weekend.

Now I remember why you can't meet anyone at a bar.... Some new pick up lines we heard:

--Did you fart? Cause you blew me away
--Do you have a library card? Cause I'd like to sign you out
--Is there a mirror in your pants? Cause I can see myself in them
--If you was a tree and I was a squirrel...I'd store my nuts in yer hole
--I'm no Fred Flintstone...but I can make your bed rock
--If you're gonna regret this in the mornin.....we can just sleep til noon

......Geez...I'm Just Sayin......

Dumbass of the Day

2009-03-24T19:06:00.001-04:00

Fake Cop Busted with Phony ID Badge

Police in Grapevine say an alert citizen helped them catch a man who did a good job of making his truck look like a police vehicle. He did not, however, do such a good job on the ID badge he was using to impersonate an officer.

Police Sgt. Kim Smith tells 1080-KRLD the man blacked out a Chipoltle restaurant gift card with a marker or paint, and then scratched the word, "Police" on it. (I've seen MUCH better fake ID's -- a gift card??!!) "The Chipoltle emblem and logo was still displayed," Sgt. Smith said.

Officers caught the police impersonator after he tried to pull over a driver on Highway 360. He's now being held on immigration charges. (krld.com)

........I had Taco Bell for dinner.....Call the Chipoltle Police!!!......

Remembering Pleasant...Grandma

2009-03-22T17:56:00.004-04:00

On the heels of just having lost a great grandma right after Christmas, we are once again experiencing another loss. Pleasant was my mother-in-law and Grandma to many. She was a beautiful person, a totally devoted mother, and friend and confidante to everyone who knew her. She joined her Lord and Savior today, 3/22/09....after turning 83 on 3/20/09. Now she is exactly where she has so longed to be. With Jesus, her late husband, Ernest; late son, who passed as a baby, and several others who preceeded her.

Grandma Pleasant would admonish me harshly if I did not share the gospel in remembering her. I used to know chapter and verse scripture to match....but I've obviously not been "up" on that lately..... here goes: Jesus is the one and only Savior, the only name given by God the Father through which we can be saved -- saved from the only thing all humans deserve since God cannot look at sin, and that is an eternity in hell. This is because each and every one of us are sinners. If honest, we all know this. How you ask? Believe that the blood Jesus shed for, and in the place of, all sinners on the cross so many years ago...is a free gift and payment in full for our sins...then simply pray and ask Jesus to come into your heart and save you. We are so prideful, it seems too easy. But we could never do enough to "earn" Heaven...He did it for you. Once you have Accepted Him, Believed in Him, and Called upon His name (ABC) you are then His child.

Comparison: Our children never have to "earn" their way to being our children...they just are. Where the "earning," if you will, or doing what pleases Him comes into play, is what contributes to the strength and closeness of our RELATIONSHIP to him... These things get confused so often. Your wayward child and your beloved child are both still your children. One is close to you, the other is a disappointment, but still loved, and still your child.... guess that's about the best way I know how to get the message across....

From Grandma:

I'm Sitting Here In Heaven
Enjoying My Mansion Today,
I Started Thinking About You
And The Things I Didn’t Get A Chance To Say.

Don’t Worry About Me
And Don’t Shed Any Tears,
Because I am with my Father in Heaven,
Why'd it take so many Years.

I No Longer Need What I Did On Earth
My Needs Are Taken Care of Too!
And On My First Day Here
My Body Became Brand New!

It Is Really Beautiful Here
Undescribable Is The Dawn,
Don't Let Your Heart Be Broken
Because My Body Is Gone.

My Love Will Always Be There
As You Go Along The Way,
Just Take A Peek Inside Your Heart
That Is Where I’ll Always Stay.

Know That I Loved My Family
And All My Friends Too,
My Thoughts Will Be With Each Of You
All Your Whole Life Through.

Although My Body Failed Me
So Often the Last Few Years
I Always Loved My Family
But Still Harbored Very Real Fears

I Never Feared For Myself
But For My Babies and Theirs
That Each Of You Will Find Your Way
To Your Savior, My Heir

I Didn't Have Much In Life
To Leave Behind For You
Except To Share My Savior
So No Excuses, Become New!

...Mom, you will be missed and loved by everyone who knew you. In loving rememberance...

Poetry Saturday -- For My Friends

2009-03-21T20:10:00.002-04:00

Tall friends, short friends,
Skinny and wide;
Red haired, brown haired
Blond all side by side.

Old friends, young friends
And all in betweens;
Moms and Grandpas,
Tots and teens.

From Ohio
To California,
Friends are found
Most anywhere.

It may seem odd to think,
And yet...
Friends can be strangers
You've never met!

...A huge shout out to all my friends...whether we've met or not...you will always have a place in my heart...and your friendship is ever and always appreciated!...

Just For Laughs

2009-03-20T18:57:00.001-04:00

I hope at least one of these makes you laugh....they did me...

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"

-------------------------

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

--------------------------

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a bee buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?""Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."

-------------------

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."
3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"
6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"
7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

....hehe....

My Hero

2009-03-19T20:37:00.003-04:00

Amidst the contrived controversy....and the media bashing she's endured....this woman still has her head on straight!!!

Excellent. She’s up for re-election next year and this move won’t do her any favors inside the state, so I can only assume it’s a sign that she’s keeping her options open for 2012. (A sane person can only HOPE........... and PRAY)

“We will request federal stimulus funds for capital projects that will create new jobs and expand the economy,” Governor Palin said. “We won’t be bound by federal strings in exchange for dollars, nor will we dig ourselves a deeper hole in two years when these federal funds are gone. For instance, in order to accept what look like attractive energy funds, our local communities would be required to adopt uniform building codes. Government would then be required to police those codes. These types of funds are not sensible for Alaska.”…

“Our desire is to foster a discussion about what is true stimulus and what is just more federal interference in Alaskans’ lives through the growth of government,” Governor Palin said. “We think stimulus items devoted to government agency growth and program expansion ought to be examined in light of the funding needs already being addressed with our pending budget requests.”

.....Did ya ever stop to think that maybe she has a set of principles she lives by....and is all the better for them.......... America could only be so lucky........ Okay, Mooseburgers all around, my treat!! ...... I'm Just Sayin.....

Weird and Unusual Laws

2009-03-19T20:10:00.002-04:00

I was recently listening to a comedian who likes to explore unusual, weird, unique, or very outdated laws..... I got some of these from him...and looked some up... it's quite amazing...........

Did you know:

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Apparently, having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death!!
(Okay, that makes PERFECT sense...)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals....but is prohibited from looking directy at them during the examination!! He is only permitted to see their reflection in a mirror.
(What? Does it all look different in reverse??)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.....
(Okay...I've heard of real stiffies...but this is ridiculous!! A frickin brick??)

Did you know.....the penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation?
(OMG, that's way worse than going blind!!)

There are men in Guam whose full time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who actually pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time..... (no selling THAT online...) The reason you ask? Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.......
(Okay, isn't that backwards??? Guess those guys probably just LOVE their job!)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband.....but may only do so with her bare hands... (What??) The Husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired......
(Okay...again... BACKWARD!!)

Did you know.....that topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England -- but only in tropical fish stores......... (Well, obviously!!! ????) In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband.....and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act......
(OMG, can you EVEN imagine??? Even worse for the poor guy.....I'm Just Sayin...)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia....it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman -- AND -- her daughter at the same time..........
(aaaaaahhhhh....come again??? No, on the other hand, please don't!!!! There really was a need for this???)

In Maryland it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in "places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Makes perfect sense to me.....HIC!)

Just as an aside..... did you know ---- that turtles can breathe through their butts??? Oh yeah, it's true..... (...and I thought I had bad morning breath!!!) ......I'm Just Sayin......... :-P

Have You Heard??

2009-03-19T20:03:00.002-04:00

......I'm sure that LeapFrog had good intentions

......BUT.......BABY Blackberrys just might be over the top!

I know they'd like to think that babies are just itching to see what and who is out in the blogosphere..... but -- UM -- just one thing....... THEY CAN'T READ YET!!!!!

This is actually aimed at preschoolers. But I gotta say..... They STILL can't read yet!!

I know preschoolers lately.... I am a grandmother of three... and two of them are currently preschoolers. One is 2½, the other is (just turned) 5. Granted, the 5 year old LOVES video games, and is quite good at some of them.... but honestly....it's all about HIM at that age...HIM having fun, HIM conquering...etc. At 5, he could not care LESS about who's out in the blogosphere or what they're saying...........not that he could read it anyway... It's simply a mute issue...........

Now..... moving along to the other preschooler...the 2½ year old. Give me a break -- he hasn't even learned how to chew gum yet. He'd just as soon chew on the blackberry... OR, more likely throw it like his favorite thing -- "It's Baseball!!!!!!" WHO exactly thought this was a good idea??????

.....I'm Just Sayin.......... :-P

Giant Caterpiller Found in Austrailia!!

2009-03-18T11:24:00.003-04:00

Now you know what it looks like....beware, one was recently spotted on a U.S. University campus!

A Death in the Family

2009-03-18T09:28:00.002-04:00

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who had been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain,
why the early bird gets the worm, and
Life isn't always fair and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place (which is ALWAYS the case). Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student, but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust, by his wife Discretion, his daughter Responsibility, and his son Reason.

His 4 stepbrothers survive him:
I Know My Rights.
I Want It Now.
Someone Else Is To Blame.
I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

.....what a shame.....

Jiggs Dinner?? Really??

2009-03-17T22:31:00.005-04:00

Okay, just a lonely commentary:

Is it just me............ or has the traditional Jiggs dinner CHANGED?

I remember when all the ingredients were cooked altogether....until it was falling apart....... and as I remember it..... SCRUMPTIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

However.............

The last few years.... when I've bought and paid for a so-called jiggs dinner............. I have been so completely disappointed!!

I remember feasting on an overboiled masterpiece of cabbage.....littered with scavanged bits of yummy corned beef and carrots........ omg.... Any more, it isn't even cooked!!!!!

Case in point: I went to a local restaurant tonight and purchased a to-go order of the Jiggs dinner. I could NOT WAIT to sink my teeth into all that cabbage and friends.............

While walking back to my car, an elderly couple were exiting their vehicle and were going inside for a sit-down meal. The wife asked me............ Did you get the Jiggs? I said that I had gotten a to-go order... She continued on to say that she HOPED it would be "cooked" this year.... last year she was ready to turn it back in and tell them to COOK IT!!! I agree!!!! WTF is this shit you're trying to pass off? Half cooked cabbage...half hard carrots.... corned beef sliced like bacon??? and laced with FAT from top to bottom and side to side?? And FORGET the half cooked skin-still-on potatoes...

Okay.... Maybe there are two ways of thinking here.......... the new stuff is: contemporary -- blanche all veggies lightly to taste and serve corned beef as it comes.......

THE MASSES prefer: Some damn good...home cooked.... old fashioned Jiggs dinner!!!! Lots of cabbage...plenty of carrots and PEELED potatoes.... and lots of PIECES of corned beef -- NOT 12 inch slices with fat on all sides!!!! All of this boiled on top of the stove until it just falls apart......mmmmmmmmmmm........ this new fangled stuff sucks!!!!!!!!!!!

.........I'm Just Sayin.............